09.13.06
Posted in life at 12:43 pm by Brandon
I suppose you could expect that after a few weeks more of education that I’d be smarter. Fortunately for you, that hasn’t happened.
I think that’s fortunate because if I were smarter, I’d probably stop blogging altogether–probably after realising that I don’t really know what I’m talking about roughly 95% of the time.
Anyway, on the subject of sounding smart, I think I’ve been able to generate a list of things over the past few weeks that will really make you sound smart. (Don’t worry, you’ll be able to do these things without actually being smart…trust me.) Now, you’re probably not going to fool any really bonified smart people with these tactics, but since about 99% of the population that considers themselves smart isn’t really smart at all (they just fancy themselves smart) you’ll probably be able to pull the wool over the eyes of the idiots that think they’re smart, but aren’t really smart. Follow?
Great. Here we go (fair warning, lots of these pertain to the proverbial ivory tower):
- Refer to data in the appropriate plural, rather than as a singular noun. For example, “The data were inconclusive.” Or, “those data indicated.”
- Nod when people talk at you, it makes them think you know what the hell is going on…even though you and I both know that what they just said was WAY over your head.
- Grow facial hair, the more the better. The smaller amounts of face you’ve got showing the less likely people will be to read your blank stare as a blank stare.
- Walk around with conviction. Even if you’ve got no clue where the hell you’re going or even if you know that you’re just going to check your mail for the 30th time in the last 4 hour period, striding with confidence is likely to fool idiots.
- Drink lots of coffee. Drinking lots of coffee will convince people that you’ve been up late reading the latest research on something…even though you and I both know that you were really just up late playing world of warcraft or reading about the latest news involving Jessica Simpson and John Mayer.
- Make sure to use the buzzwords: “Parsimonious”, “Hegemony”, “Hermaneutical”, “Salient”, “Erudite”, “Uncular”, “Hedonic”, or “Antidisestablishmentarianism”. People won’t know what the sweet crap you’re talking about–and neither will you–but at least they’ll assume you’re smarter than they are.
- Work in dimly lit spaces. I have no idea why this works, but it does.
- Keep a list of tasks. Then, constantly talk about how many items are left on your list and how long, ostensibly, it should take to complete your list.
- Use the word “ostensibly” in conversation.
- Wear a leather jacket with elbow patches.
- During an appointment with a person to whom you’re trying to appear smart in your dimly lit office, program your cell phone to call your office phone and have fake conversation with yourself during which you have a stellar academic debate. (Note: Don’t let your fake self win the argument with your real self. You’ll have to let the fake you throw the argument.) (Second Note: Only try this strategy if you aren’t so ego-centric so as to not be able to let the fake you lose an argument) (Third Note: Unfortunately, you’d ONLY try this strategy if you WERE so ego-centric as to not be able to lose an argument, even if it was only to the fake-you.) (Fourth Note: Damn, I think I just lost an argument with myself.)
- Work with your door open. If you didn’t do that, how would people be able to look in and see you working?
- Ensure that your computer screen is tilted so that the casual passer-by cannot notice that you’ve just minimized your online poker game in order to check on your fantasy football team.
- Always have a word document open that you can quickly pull up in case someone ambles into your office. (Preferably a word document with some completed text already on the screen.)
- While looking at your fantasy football team (between online poker hands), ensure that you stare at your monitor in a very pensive manner. Pause from time to time to scratch your head, consult an open notebook or article, and then stroke your aforementioned facial hair. Repeat this process interspersing a few nods from time to time to indicate progress.
- When you use the restroom, at least have the decency to wait till the toilet is finished flushing to walk out the bathroom door, that or don’t bother to flush the damn toilet. I mean, we all know you’re not washing your hands (unless there’s somebody else in the bathroom to bear witness,) but at least fake it for crying out loud. And, everybody knows that people who don’t wash their hands are idiots.
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Posted in life at 12:43 pm by Brandon
I suppose you could expect that after a few weeks more of education that I’d be smarter. Fortunately for you, that hasn’t happened.
I think that’s fortunate because if I were smarter, I’d probably stop blogging altogether–probably after realising that I don’t really know what I’m talking about roughly 95% of the time.
Anyway, on the subject of sounding smart, I think I’ve been able to generate a list of things over the past few weeks that will really make you sound smart. (Don’t worry, you’ll be able to do these things without actually being smart…trust me.) Now, you’re probably not going to fool any really bonified smart people with these tactics, but since about 99% of the population that considers themselves smart isn’t really smart at all (they just fancy themselves smart) you’ll probably be able to pull the wool over the eyes of the idiots that think they’re smart, but aren’t really smart. Follow?
Great. Here we go (fair warning, lots of these pertain to the proverbial ivory tower):
- Refer to data in the appropriate plural, rather than as a singular noun. For example, “The data were inconclusive.” Or, “those data indicated.”
- Nod when people talk at you, it makes them think you know what the hell is going on…even though you and I both know that what they just said was WAY over your head.
- Grow facial hair, the more the better. The smaller amounts of face you’ve got showing the less likely people will be to read your blank stare as a blank stare.
- Walk around with conviction. Even if you’ve got no clue where the hell you’re going or even if you know that you’re just going to check your mail for the 30th time in the last 4 hour period, striding with confidence is likely to fool idiots.
- Drink lots of coffee. Drinking lots of coffee will convince people that you’ve been up late reading the latest research on something…even though you and I both know that you were really just up late playing world of warcraft or reading about the latest news involving Jessica Simpson and John Mayer.
- Make sure to use the buzzwords: “Parsimonious”, “Hegemony”, “Hermaneutical”, “Salient”, “Erudite”, “Uncular”, “Hedonic”, or “Antidisestablishmentarianism”. People won’t know what the sweet crap you’re talking about–and neither will you–but at least they’ll assume you’re smarter than they are.
- Work in dimly lit spaces. I have no idea why this works, but it does.
- Keep a list of tasks. Then, constantly talk about how many items are left on your list and how long, ostensibly, it should take to complete your list.
- Use the word “ostensibly” in conversation.
- Wear a leather jacket with elbow patches.
- During an appointment with a person to whom you’re trying to appear smart in your dimly lit office, program your cell phone to call your office phone and have fake conversation with yourself during which you have a stellar academic debate. (Note: Don’t let your fake self win the argument with your real self. You’ll have to let the fake you throw the argument.) (Second Note: Only try this strategy if you aren’t so ego-centric so as to not be able to let the fake you lose an argument) (Third Note: Unfortunately, you’d ONLY try this strategy if you WERE so ego-centric as to not be able to lose an argument, even if it was only to the fake-you.) (Fourth Note: Damn, I think I just lost an argument with myself.)
- Work with your door open. If you didn’t do that, how would people be able to look in and see you working?
- Ensure that your computer screen is tilted so that the casual passer-by cannot notice that you’ve just minimized your online poker game in order to check on your fantasy football team.
- Always have a word document open that you can quickly pull up in case someone ambles into your office. (Preferably a word document with some completed text already on the screen.)
- While looking at your fantasy football team (between online poker hands), ensure that you stare at your monitor in a very pensive manner. Pause from time to time to scratch your head, consult an open notebook or article, and then stroke your aforementioned facial hair. Repeat this process interspersing a few nods from time to time to indicate progress.
- When you use the restroom, at least have the decency to wait till the toilet is finished flushing to walk out the bathroom door, that or don’t bother to flush the damn toilet. I mean, we all know you’re not washing your hands (unless there’s somebody else in the bathroom to bear witness,) but at least fake it for crying out loud. And, everybody knows that people who don’t wash their hands are idiots.
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landon said,
September 13, 2006 at 3:22 pm
I don’t wash my hands.
Crissi said,
September 13, 2006 at 3:58 pm
Crap. Besides the facial hair (well, on most days), you have me down to a tee. Have you been watching me? Uh oh, here comes the boss, gotta go.
Will Humes said,
September 13, 2006 at 4:43 pm
This is very funny. I hope you don’t mind my linking to your blog. You also might want to add one that always has worked for me: surround yourself with books, lots and lots of books, even and especially if you haven’t read them. Who will know anyway? Further place small to medium sized book piles in strategic locations (both to be visible themselves, and to also help hide your online poker activities). You mightalso want to have classical music playing in the background as you work, or at least some NPR station.
On Sounding Smart (a funny post from a fellow blogger) « One Thing I Know said,
September 13, 2006 at 4:50 pm
[…] Brandon at badchristian blog has an excellent post on how to sound and/or look smart. Three of my favorite suggestions are here. If you have anymore ideas, go visit him here. […]
axegrinder said,
September 13, 2006 at 9:45 pm
BC,
Another way to sound smart is to correct people who mispronounce or, in this case, misspell words like “hermeneutical.”
I think it actually scores double points if you one-up a fellow poser.
All the best,
Jason Kranzusch
Allison said,
September 13, 2006 at 10:06 pm
Damn, you made me laugh. Good to see you back, Brandon. I’ve missed you.
Maria said,
September 14, 2006 at 11:19 am
Don’t forget that having a lot of piles on your desk and walking back and forth to the printer a lot helps with the looking smart and busy too…
gregory said,
September 14, 2006 at 11:59 am
You should really stretch that list out into a book. It could be a best seller:
The Bad Christian’s Guide to Being (read: looking) Smart!
Brandon, I hope you don’t mind, but I linked to your blog from mine. If this is a problem, let me know.
Josh said,
September 14, 2006 at 12:00 pm
Or you could just do what I did.
jeff said,
September 14, 2006 at 12:02 pm
Brandon,
Don’t forget the dead-giveaways that thwart any attempts at feigned intelligence:
- having any knowledge of NASCAR
- bumper stickers that read, “Don’t blame me, I voted for Bush”
- using any computer that is not a Mac
- listening to or quoting Larry- The Cable Guy
and, of course,
- asking anyone, “Have you seen my blog?”
Chris said,
September 14, 2006 at 12:34 pm
Excellent! Now I have more ways to look smart….I mean I AM smart I just want others to be able to see it…um, no, that’s not right…crap! Umm…..ostensibly salient!!
John said,
September 15, 2006 at 5:44 pm
dude, also mention that in grad school circles one should commonly use the word “paradigm”.
That’s another “ooh, I’m an intelligent participant in graduate study circles” word. Adds to the pompous factor quite nicely.
And during grad class discussions, it’s also cool to ask “what is (name of person/author being discussed) really getting at?”
God, this is stirring up some grad school nightmares…I better stop.
christine said,
September 18, 2006 at 5:03 am
“Work in dimly lit spaces. I have no idea why this works, but it does.”
–by far my favorite. as true as it is bad for you.
wildwest said,
September 19, 2006 at 11:20 am
Or misspell bona fide “bonifide,” then wait ’til someone corrects you and tell them you misspelled it deliberately and that it was some kind of pun they obviously weren’t smart enough to catch onto.
Carmen said,
September 24, 2006 at 9:57 pm
Using the words deconstruct and hegemony a lot also helps. Great blog…
Bad Alice said,
September 25, 2006 at 6:53 pm
Don’t forget that it’s important that you carry around the right books and are seen reading them, underlining and jotting in the margins, whether or not you actually read any more than the preface.
Sarcastic Lutheran said,
October 1, 2006 at 8:27 pm
Oh my gosh, I thought I’d come up with a funny-as-hell addition to the list, but it ends up that I am actually not smart.
truegrit said,
October 6, 2006 at 1:25 pm
[…] Something that every wannabe intellectual…especially Christian wannabe intellectual ought to read… and re-read especially when they want to argue issues. Or just argue… or just pontificate…. or ….you get what I mean. Have a good laugh at yourself- it does a body good;) excerpts Make sure to use the buzzwords: “Parsimonious”, “Hegemony”, “Hermaneutical”, “Salient”, “Erudite”, “Uncular”, “Hedonic”, or “Antidisestablishmentarianism”. People won’t know what the sweet crap you’re talking about–and neither will you–but at least they’ll assume you’re smarter than they are. Work in dimly lit spaces. I have no idea why this works, but it does. […]