09.27.06
Posted in politics, fun at 8:51 am by Brandon
So, quite often on my way in to school, I listen to NPR on the drive. I’ve rather come to enjoy it (although, this morning Johnny Cash was riding shotgun with me). Anyway, before I switched over to Johnny Cash, I heard an NPR reporter utter something like this (don’t quote me on the content, I don’t remember it exactly. But, this is the jist):
[…]when responding to critics President Bush would argue that the situation in Iraq isn’t as simple as they cast the situation. President Bush would say that [the situation in Iraq] was much more nuanced (emphasis mine).
This may just be a minor clerical error, or some other form of overstatement…nonetheless, this statement struck me as exceedingly odd.
President Bush would never say that the situation in Iraq is “nuanced.”
In fact, the President would probably never say anything was nuanced. He’d never use that word. I doubt he even knows that word.
Sheesh.
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09.13.06
Posted in life at 12:43 pm by Brandon
I suppose you could expect that after a few weeks more of education that I’d be smarter. Fortunately for you, that hasn’t happened.
I think that’s fortunate because if I were smarter, I’d probably stop blogging altogether–probably after realising that I don’t really know what I’m talking about roughly 95% of the time.
Anyway, on the subject of sounding smart, I think I’ve been able to generate a list of things over the past few weeks that will really make you sound smart. (Don’t worry, you’ll be able to do these things without actually being smart…trust me.) Now, you’re probably not going to fool any really bonified smart people with these tactics, but since about 99% of the population that considers themselves smart isn’t really smart at all (they just fancy themselves smart) you’ll probably be able to pull the wool over the eyes of the idiots that think they’re smart, but aren’t really smart. Follow?
Great. Here we go (fair warning, lots of these pertain to the proverbial ivory tower):
- Refer to data in the appropriate plural, rather than as a singular noun. For example, “The data were inconclusive.” Or, “those data indicated.”
- Nod when people talk at you, it makes them think you know what the hell is going on…even though you and I both know that what they just said was WAY over your head.
- Grow facial hair, the more the better. The smaller amounts of face you’ve got showing the less likely people will be to read your blank stare as a blank stare.
- Walk around with conviction. Even if you’ve got no clue where the hell you’re going or even if you know that you’re just going to check your mail for the 30th time in the last 4 hour period, striding with confidence is likely to fool idiots.
- Drink lots of coffee. Drinking lots of coffee will convince people that you’ve been up late reading the latest research on something…even though you and I both know that you were really just up late playing world of warcraft or reading about the latest news involving Jessica Simpson and John Mayer.
- Make sure to use the buzzwords: “Parsimonious”, “Hegemony”, “Hermaneutical”, “Salient”, “Erudite”, “Uncular”, “Hedonic”, or “Antidisestablishmentarianism”. People won’t know what the sweet crap you’re talking about–and neither will you–but at least they’ll assume you’re smarter than they are.
- Work in dimly lit spaces. I have no idea why this works, but it does.
- Keep a list of tasks. Then, constantly talk about how many items are left on your list and how long, ostensibly, it should take to complete your list.
- Use the word “ostensibly” in conversation.
- Wear a leather jacket with elbow patches.
- During an appointment with a person to whom you’re trying to appear smart in your dimly lit office, program your cell phone to call your office phone and have fake conversation with yourself during which you have a stellar academic debate. (Note: Don’t let your fake self win the argument with your real self. You’ll have to let the fake you throw the argument.) (Second Note: Only try this strategy if you aren’t so ego-centric so as to not be able to let the fake you lose an argument) (Third Note: Unfortunately, you’d ONLY try this strategy if you WERE so ego-centric as to not be able to lose an argument, even if it was only to the fake-you.) (Fourth Note: Damn, I think I just lost an argument with myself.)
- Work with your door open. If you didn’t do that, how would people be able to look in and see you working?
- Ensure that your computer screen is tilted so that the casual passer-by cannot notice that you’ve just minimized your online poker game in order to check on your fantasy football team.
- Always have a word document open that you can quickly pull up in case someone ambles into your office. (Preferably a word document with some completed text already on the screen.)
- While looking at your fantasy football team (between online poker hands), ensure that you stare at your monitor in a very pensive manner. Pause from time to time to scratch your head, consult an open notebook or article, and then stroke your aforementioned facial hair. Repeat this process interspersing a few nods from time to time to indicate progress.
- When you use the restroom, at least have the decency to wait till the toilet is finished flushing to walk out the bathroom door, that or don’t bother to flush the damn toilet. I mean, we all know you’re not washing your hands (unless there’s somebody else in the bathroom to bear witness,) but at least fake it for crying out loud. And, everybody knows that people who don’t wash their hands are idiots.
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