08.08.06

a fundraiser

Posted in faith, satire at 11:26 am by Brandon

During our time in Europe, Jen and I got to see some fantastic relics from the middle ages. It struck me as odd that St. Mark’s in Venice and the Vatican museum in Vatican City were now the home to numerous pieces of artwork and artfully made ancient artifacts from the ancient times. Some of the art was early Christian art, but some of it was decidedly not. Much of their loot was proliferated from ancient Egypt or Muslim strongholds during the crusades.

I found this to be fascinating and troubling.

It was rare that we would be invited to see such ancient antiquities without paying a hefty entrance fee. For example, Jen and I dropped about 12 euros each simply to be admitted into the Vatican museum (which was only about 50 percent open and had Europe’s rudest security guards.)

As we strolled the aisles of looted treasure I got to pondering something, since a lot of what’s in the Vatican museum is stolen, and, judging by the gargantuan line of visitors, since it seems that the Vatican is pulling down a massive chunk of change with their museum, it seems only fair that some other Christian churches should get in on the mix. I mean, most of their procurements came BEFORE the reformation, after all. When Protestant churches left the Catholic church, they couldn’t have known the extreme revenue potential they were turning down.

So, I propose a fundraiser. Here’s how it will work.

We’ll round up some of our hickish Christian School students. Now, I’m not talking about the pansies that go to those liberal Christian Schools in the city, either. I’m talking about rounding up the high school boys that drive trucks and whose truckbeds are lined with spent Mountain Dew bottles. The kinds of students who wear cowboy boots and belt buckles and tote a 9mm handgun, just in case.

Once we’ve got a thousand or so of these folks we’ll charter them a plane to Rome. It’ll be great.

Then once they arrive in Rome, they can ransack the Vatican museum and haul the spoils back to good ole’ Grand Rapids, Michigan. We’ll build a big ass museum somewhere near “the Pentagon” (aka the Christian Reformed Church’s headquarters on the corner of 28th street and Kalamazoo Ave). Then we can display ancient treasures from all periods of antiquity, charging a hefty admission fee, of course…perhaps something in the 20 dollar per person range.

We can hire our own rude security guards, and perhaps, we can even see if we can get some Canadian mounties to wander around in some sort of silly uniform–just like the Swiss Guard.

And we’ll be wealthy. Oh, will we ever be wealthy.

We can build huge churches, and buy 50 thousand dollar sound systems, and have preachers that dress in elaborate robes rather than cheap 50 dollar suits from the sale rack at Marshall’s. We could have one staff member per church goer and maybe a few spares for visitors, our budget could swell beyond imagination–with no fear of cheque overdraft fees. Our Churches could be outfitted with pools, and gymnasiums, and life-sized replicas of the River Jordan for immersion baptism, hell, we could even have 10 acre parking lots paved with 24 karat gold.

It’d be like Vegas, baby. Only Christian–so like Branson, Missouri, I guess.

After all, what’s a Kingdom without a castle?

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a fundraiser

Posted in faith, satire at 11:26 am by Brandon

During our time in Europe, Jen and I got to see some fantastic relics from the middle ages. It struck me as odd that St. Mark’s in Venice and the Vatican museum in Vatican City were now the home to numerous pieces of artwork and artfully made ancient artifacts from the ancient times. Some of the art was early Christian art, but some of it was decidedly not. Much of their loot was proliferated from ancient Egypt or Muslim strongholds during the crusades.

I found this to be fascinating and troubling.

It was rare that we would be invited to see such ancient antiquities without paying a hefty entrance fee. For example, Jen and I dropped about 12 euros each simply to be admitted into the Vatican museum (which was only about 50 percent open and had Europe’s rudest security guards.)

As we strolled the aisles of looted treasure I got to pondering something, since a lot of what’s in the Vatican museum is stolen, and, judging by the gargantuan line of visitors, since it seems that the Vatican is pulling down a massive chunk of change with their museum, it seems only fair that some other Christian churches should get in on the mix. I mean, most of their procurements came BEFORE the reformation, after all. When Protestant churches left the Catholic church, they couldn’t have known the extreme revenue potential they were turning down.

So, I propose a fundraiser. Here’s how it will work.

We’ll round up some of our hickish Christian School students. Now, I’m not talking about the pansies that go to those liberal Christian Schools in the city, either. I’m talking about rounding up the high school boys that drive trucks and whose truckbeds are lined with spent Mountain Dew bottles. The kinds of students who wear cowboy boots and belt buckles and tote a 9mm handgun, just in case.

Once we’ve got a thousand or so of these folks we’ll charter them a plane to Rome. It’ll be great.

Then once they arrive in Rome, they can ransack the Vatican museum and haul the spoils back to good ole’ Grand Rapids, Michigan. We’ll build a big ass museum somewhere near “the Pentagon” (aka the Christian Reformed Church’s headquarters on the corner of 28th street and Kalamazoo Ave). Then we can display ancient treasures from all periods of antiquity, charging a hefty admission fee, of course…perhaps something in the 20 dollar per person range.

We can hire our own rude security guards, and perhaps, we can even see if we can get some Canadian mounties to wander around in some sort of silly uniform–just like the Swiss Guard.

And we’ll be wealthy. Oh, will we ever be wealthy.

We can build huge churches, and buy 50 thousand dollar sound systems, and have preachers that dress in elaborate robes rather than cheap 50 dollar suits from the sale rack at Marshall’s. We could have one staff member per church goer and maybe a few spares for visitors, our budget could swell beyond imagination–with no fear of cheque overdraft fees. Our Churches could be outfitted with pools, and gymnasiums, and life-sized replicas of the River Jordan for immersion baptism, hell, we could even have 10 acre parking lots paved with 24 karat gold.

It’d be like Vegas, baby. Only Christian–so like Branson, Missouri, I guess.

After all, what’s a Kingdom without a castle?

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Trackback URL »

http://www.badchristian.com/2006/08/08/a-fundraiser/trackback/