05.16.06
Posted in faith, culture at 2:47 pm by Brandon
Amidst the DaVinci Code hype, Christians are, once again, whining…loudly. In that spirit, I’m offering this letter to Christians:
Dear Christians,
Brothers and Sisters, it seems that many of us have become taken up in righteous indignation with the recent popularity of Dan Brown’s popular work of fiction The DaVinci Code. In adult Sunday school classrooms across the country, we’ve riled yourselves into a righteous tizzy over the “heretical nature” of this text. It seems that now that the subversive Sponge Bob Squarepants has been uncovered for the gay that he is, our collective attention needs, now, to turn to other subversive influences.
Indeed, we Christians need to pay close attention to this grave threat to our very existence. The future of the religion, no, the future of the world does indeed depend upon our ridicule of this text.
Some in the so-called “progressive Christian movement” have tried to claim that the DaVinci Code isn’t very harmful to Christianity. We must be strong in our insistence that this heretical perspective be stamped out in all of its forms. It’s all well and good, to them it seems, to be offended by our President George W. Bush (praise be upon him), but when we, the upright, holy, God-centered, religious right are offended by attacks upon Christ himself–then the progressive eyes start to roll.
Their idol of progress has blinded them to the call for Christians everywhere to be offended by the attacks on the very celibacy of Christ present in the DaVinci Code. Further, their claims that Christ wasn’t a white middle class Republican is nothing less than repugnant. As if you needed more evidence of this heresy, sheesh.
Some of those godless bastards even have the gall to claim that the DaVinci Code doesn’t represent a direct attack on the central message of Jesus Christ. They claim that Christ’s central message was something about the Kingdom of God bringing about a New World Order of social, economic, and religious justice. More reviling still is the claim that we should be more offended by the so-called lack of air time we righteous members of the religious right (including our President George W. Bush–pbuh) pay to issues of social injustice.
As you all know, the central message of Jesus regards personal salvation, the God-given right of men to have dominion over women, and the hellish realities of socialist regimes at the expense of holy capitalism–nothing more and nothing less. Some of these progressive Christians–if they’re really Christians at all–have been secretly trying to subvert our collective attention from the awful realities of the DaVinci Code and insist that we pay attention to this “New World Order”. Such new-age schemes must be opposed at every juncture.
I write you this message, Brothers and Sisters, that you may stay strong in the light of the evil and repressive force of progress. These self-labelled progressive Christians are nothing more than a hip and dynamic attempt of the evil one to bring down the true Kingdom of God being brought about by God’s one true leader, George W. Bush (pbuh). Such evil attempts at anarchy must be squelched.
In time, it’s certain that the DaVinci Code will become just another blip in our collective memory, it will be unveiled for the fiction that it is. In this dark hour, however, it is vital that we remain strong, stay the course, and pray unceasingly that our attention not be diverted from the true goal of forwarding the principle message of Christ. The Kingdom of God (that is, the United States) will win. It’s only a matter of time: 23 years 14 days to be exact (see the LaHaye & Jenkins study Bible’s end times timeline.)
In Christ,
Brandon
Tags: The DaVinci Code, Satire, Christianity
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05.11.06
Posted in faith, pet peeves at 8:34 am by Brandon
Since I wrote my Christian t-shirt post, a number of you have voiced the concern that if you’re causing people to have conversations with you about God, it’s okay to wear “Witness wear.” My response follows.
Everybody seems pretty fucking wound up about the notion that they should get to wear what they want, don’t they? I’m starting to think that this is more about freedom of speech than anything else. Perhaps it is. Rest assured violent, militant, and defensive Christian T-Shirt wearers that I have no desire to infringe on your RIGHT to wear a stupid t-shirt. It’s written into the constitution, you can–as long as it’s decent–wear whatever the hell you’d like.
Everybody also seems pretty fucking wound up with the idea that if their shirt causes a conversation about God to happen, then their brave attempts at evangelizing the godless bastards–you know, non-evangelicals–should be sung from the mountain tops. (Screw those yodelers, anyway.)
Let me say this directly. Perhaps (and that’s a big fucking perhaps) the conversations that are spurred from the wearing of these “Christian-hip” duds, are helpful. Maybe, but I’m not so concerned with the one conversation that DOES happen.
For me, what’s more concerning are the FIFTEEN or so conversations that DON’T happen because you’ve got to exercize your motherfucking right to have the words “Prayer Warrior” emblazoned across your chest.
Rest assured tacky-shirt-wearers, the vast majority of the world is no longer intrigued by your sometimes-insightful-most-times-idiotic textiles. No the rest of the world sees them and you as a stupid, ignorant fool. The God Hates Fags people use the same tactic, you know. Sure, they craft messages that are intended to catch your eye in order to spur on a conversation. (Side note: Josh and Steve interviewed Shirley Phelps Roper over at Stupid Church People, it’s actually pretty fascinating–give it a listen.)
My suggestion to all of you who desperately feel the need to be identified publicly as a Christian is this: Instead of wearing a shirt that essentially says, “I’m saved”, live a life that practices your ressurection. You shouldn’t need to don a piece of cloth for people to know your faith. And, frankly, I’d bet good money that if you practiced your ressurection on your sleeve rather than a tacky-ass message, a whole lot less people would write you off as a blow hard hypocrite.
Tags: Christian T-Shirts
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05.01.06
Posted in culture, life at 12:21 pm by Brandon
Last Friday night, Jen and I found ourselves on the way to the mall. After we’d been walking around for a while–and after I took an upper of anti-nausea medication as a result of my collapsing into the fetal position resultant from a fit of “consumerist nausea” as I entered the temple of Mammon (aka Rivertown Crossings Mall)–we happened by a new Hollister store. We didn’t actually go inside the store, we just walked by.
If you weren’t farmiliar, Hollister is a store affiliated with the Abercrombie and Fitch brand.
What was really interesting, was the scene that was going down OUTSIDE of Hollister that evening.
There was a father holding his infant son. The baby in question was screaming uncontrollably. Not crying, but screaming, wailing, gnashing his gums. This little one looked like he’d seen Satan himself.
Curious enough to eavesdrop, Jen and I slowed our pace just enough to hear that this little tyke had been scared shit-less (though, to be honest, I didn’t check) by being inside the Hollister store.
And now, I’ll end this post with a scripture reference, Psalm 8:2 :
2 From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.
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