03.29.06
Posted in politics, culture at 4:57 pm by Brandon
Believe it or not, it wasn’t the latest Worldview Weekend article that really got me thinking about immigration. I was thinking about it for a while before I even received notice that the nation’s greatest legal minds (ala Worldview Weekend) had thrown together a common sensical guide to the immigration problem.
Thank God for them.
Anyway, I’m going to take a relatively novel position on this whole immigration issue. Normally, I’m somewhat liberal, but I’ve just got to say, this immigration thing is just out of control. We need to do something, and do something soon.
That’s right, friends. I support becoming a vigilante in order to wipe out illegal immigration all together. First off, it’s the Mexicans. They come up here and they put a drain on our healthcare system, they raise our car insurance rates, and worst of all they refuse to assimilate into our holy culture…damn them. Those bastards don’t even take the time to learn our national language: English! It’s so bad that we’ve got to print anti-theft signs in English AND Spanish. If only they’d stay in their own damn country and enjoy the jobs we’ve outsourced to them. They’re so fucking greedy.
But even worse than the Mexicans, it’s the Salvadorians and the Hondurans. I mean, same sorts of problems follow them up across the border, but hell, they don’t even take good tequilla up with them.
And, while our Southern border is bad, it’s nowhere near the travesty we’ve got going on by our northern border. Those Canadians, holy hell, have they become a problem. They’re spreading their gospel of cigarettes, Tim Horton’s, potty mouthery, and curling all over our fair land. There’s just gobs of them; they’re practically stampeding over the border. Our amber waves of grain are being overtaken by Canucks. And, you should see my back yard, it’s damn near full of maple leaves.
And, their beer. Oh, their beer. Whatever happened to the good ole’ days when the Bud girls and talking frogs inhabited our television commercials. Now, we have the Labatt talking bear? Canadians and their God forsaken barley-water are overtaking our most sacred shrine to beer consumption: Budweiser.
But, if we’re really getting serious about this illegal immigration crackdown, I think we’ve got to get retroactive. Take for example Japanese Americans. I’ve never trusted them, with their raw fish and rice wine. Freaks, they are. Furthermore, what about African Americans. I mean, yeah, we brought them over largely against their will, but they’ve kind of quit serving us of late. They’re just more welfare dollars and headaches. If’n they’re not much good to us anymore we may as well deport them.
In fact, poor people must share some genetically shared trait for laziness. (Let’s just be honest, everybody could be rich if they wanted to be, if you’re not, you must be lazy.) I say, we just off all the poor people too, there’s no way they’re REAL Americans. (Also, it seems most civil just to put the poor out of their genetically predestined misery. We should probably just shoot them–thank God for the good ole’ second amendment!)
I’d go so far as to say only the native Americans (you know, George Washington, Christopher Columbus, and Rush Limbaugh and their children and children’s children) should be allowed to stay in the US. Everyone else should be deported, or shot–whichever is most convenient.
But why stop there.
Perhaps, we could restrict access to the US altogether to only allow rich white men residency. Of course we would have to allow some female prostitutes, because, after all, boys will be boys.
And all will be happy, and free, and homogenous, and Christian.
Thank God Almighty I’m a native American.
Tags: Immigration Reform
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Posted in politics, culture at 4:57 pm by Brandon
Believe it or not, it wasn’t the latest Worldview Weekend article that really got me thinking about immigration. I was thinking about it for a while before I even received notice that the nation’s greatest legal minds (ala Worldview Weekend) had thrown together a common sensical guide to the immigration problem.
Thank God for them.
Anyway, I’m going to take a relatively novel position on this whole immigration issue. Normally, I’m somewhat liberal, but I’ve just got to say, this immigration thing is just out of control. We need to do something, and do something soon.
That’s right, friends. I support becoming a vigilante in order to wipe out illegal immigration all together. First off, it’s the Mexicans. They come up here and they put a drain on our healthcare system, they raise our car insurance rates, and worst of all they refuse to assimilate into our holy culture…damn them. Those bastards don’t even take the time to learn our national language: English! It’s so bad that we’ve got to print anti-theft signs in English AND Spanish. If only they’d stay in their own damn country and enjoy the jobs we’ve outsourced to them. They’re so fucking greedy.
But even worse than the Mexicans, it’s the Salvadorians and the Hondurans. I mean, same sorts of problems follow them up across the border, but hell, they don’t even take good tequilla up with them.
And, while our Southern border is bad, it’s nowhere near the travesty we’ve got going on by our northern border. Those Canadians, holy hell, have they become a problem. They’re spreading their gospel of cigarettes, Tim Horton’s, potty mouthery, and curling all over our fair land. There’s just gobs of them; they’re practically stampeding over the border. Our amber waves of grain are being overtaken by Canucks. And, you should see my back yard, it’s damn near full of maple leaves.
And, their beer. Oh, their beer. Whatever happened to the good ole’ days when the Bud girls and talking frogs inhabited our television commercials. Now, we have the Labatt talking bear? Canadians and their God forsaken barley-water are overtaking our most sacred shrine to beer consumption: Budweiser.
But, if we’re really getting serious about this illegal immigration crackdown, I think we’ve got to get retroactive. Take for example Japanese Americans. I’ve never trusted them, with their raw fish and rice wine. Freaks, they are. Furthermore, what about African Americans. I mean, yeah, we brought them over largely against their will, but they’ve kind of quit serving us of late. They’re just more welfare dollars and headaches. If’n they’re not much good to us anymore we may as well deport them.
In fact, poor people must share some genetically shared trait for laziness. (Let’s just be honest, everybody could be rich if they wanted to be, if you’re not, you must be lazy.) I say, we just off all the poor people too, there’s no way they’re REAL Americans. (Also, it seems most civil just to put the poor out of their genetically predestined misery. We should probably just shoot them–thank God for the good ole’ second amendment!)
I’d go so far as to say only the native Americans (you know, George Washington, Christopher Columbus, and Rush Limbaugh and their children and children’s children) should be allowed to stay in the US. Everyone else should be deported, or shot–whichever is most convenient.
But why stop there.
Perhaps, we could restrict access to the US altogether to only allow rich white men residency. Of course we would have to allow some female prostitutes, because, after all, boys will be boys.
And all will be happy, and free, and homogenous, and Christian.
Thank God Almighty I’m a native American.
Tags: Immigration Reform
Permalink
Trackback URL »
http://www.badchristian.com/2006/03/29/the-immigration-crisis-irreverently/trackback/
ninjanun said,
March 29, 2006 at 7:21 pm
oooh, nice “punchline!” Well played.
zalm said,
March 29, 2006 at 8:55 pm
Who are you trying to kid? It wouldn’t be long before they decided to kick our asses back to live below sea level with our klompen-wearing, pot-smoking, socialized-medicine-enjoying, speed-skating-crazed ancestors.
Brandon said,
March 29, 2006 at 10:14 pm
Dammit Zalm!
Icksnay on the “utchday eritagehay.”
Recovering said,
March 30, 2006 at 8:19 am
I really don’t feel like I have a personal vested interest in the issue one way
or the other but I am concerned that a bunch of lazy conservatives and guilt-laden liberals are telling the world, “don’t you DARE break the law and come over our borders illegally. It’s not OK…unless you are successful at it…then, hell, we’ll pay for your every need and let you get taken advantage of by shady employers.”
Hey, at least the ones we catch crossing we send back to try again as we wouldn’t want any FAILURES here. We have enough of those in Washington D.C.
wildwest said,
March 30, 2006 at 9:07 am
The best article I’ve seen on the subject is by Thom Hartmann.
http://www.commondreams.org/views06/0329-21.htm
dorsey said,
March 31, 2006 at 8:38 am
I’m tracking with Recovering’s comment, except that we really ramp up border security with a 30ft high China-style Great Wall with snipers every quarter-mile, thousands of miles of electrified razor wire, rabid wolverines on really long chains, land mines, cluster bombs attached to infrared motion-sensing.
First, this solution really only attracts the best and brightest to begin with. Second, if they make it, then clearly they are the kind of intelligent, resourceful, clever people who will be able to attain fluency in English and get out of landscaping into a decent job in pretty short order. Third, after a dozen or so years, we will have either killed or assimilated the very best and brightest of our neighbors’ citizenries, leaving us poised for an easy two-front takeover of both Canada and Mexico. Then we redraw the borders and do it again with Guatemala and Greenland, and so on.
wildwest said,
March 31, 2006 at 9:01 am
Good start, dorsey. But what do you suggest be done about all those pesky traitors already within the borders? You know, the Al Gores, the Jimmy Carters, The New York Times? The can make our fearless leader’s life a living hell in the meantime.
Brandon said,
March 31, 2006 at 9:08 am
Shoot the motherfuckers.
dorsey said,
March 31, 2006 at 9:19 am
yeah, what he said.
Recovering said,
March 31, 2006 at 9:46 am
Dorsey,
I’m with ya…except for the wolverine idea. That’s animal cruelty.
dorsey said,
March 31, 2006 at 11:46 am
What if we imported French wolverines? I wouldn’t feel bad about that. And who’s going to stop us, the French?
rick said,
March 31, 2006 at 10:57 pm
Aren’t you glad we had God on our side when we raped the land and took it from the natives. It was okay because they didn’t believe in Jesus like those good Christian settlers.
Brandon said,
March 31, 2006 at 11:02 pm
But Rick, we’re the natives, right? You know the chosen ones?
You need a little history refresher, Rick.
dorsey said,
April 1, 2006 at 12:12 am
We didn’t rape the land! It was consensual, I swear!
benjamin said,
April 1, 2006 at 5:44 pm
Obviously, Dorsey’s a man who’s never been to Butte….
dorsey said,
April 1, 2006 at 6:50 pm
Of course I…oh, you mean Butte, with an e…
Blabber Heads»Blog Archive » So, I stopped off in this little convenience store this morning… said,
April 7, 2006 at 1:31 am
[…] I hear so damned many people talking about how they’re taxing our health care system, and our welfare system, and blah blah blah, as the Bad Christian put it -”refuse to assimilate into our holy culture…damn them“. Newsflash people - we’re taxing our own health care and welfare systems with people that were born right here in the US. Now, we’ll blow the shit out of Iraq to get them the right to vote, and we’ll interfere with their social and religious structures until they suit us, but the Mexicans? Well, they’re on their own. […]
Maria said,
April 24, 2007 at 1:55 am
ALL YOU PEOPLE NEED TO GROW UP!!..YES IMMIGRANTS HAVE BREAKEN A LAW BY COMING TO THIS COUNTRY ILLEGALLY BUT AT LEAST THEY ARE WORKING THEIR ASSES OFF IN THIS COUNTRY UNLIKE OTHERS WHO JUST SPEND THEIR LIFE TALKIN SHIT ABOUT IMMIGRANTS ON THIS WEBSITE…BELIEVE ME I KNOW NONE OF YOU PEOPLE WOULD EVEN PICTURE YOURSELVES WORKING IN JOBS THAT IMMIGRANTS WORK IN. THEY WORK IN DECENT JOBS IN WHICH THEY MAKE MONEY AND THAT’S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS. THAT’S THE ONLY REASON WE COME HERE FOR TO MAKE MONEY AND TO TRY TO SUCCEED…DO YOU PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK THAT WE WANT TO COME HERE JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT..AHHH NO!!!..WE COME HERE BECAUSE OF NEED..WE CAN’T FIND JOBS IN OUR COUNTRIES AND WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO SUCCEED AND THE ONLY WAY WE FIND IS BY COMING HERE..AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT WHEN WE COME HERE WE LIKE IT HERE AND WE STAY AND BECOME LEGALLLL!!!….AND AT LEAST WHEN WE COME HERE..WE ARE WILLING TO WORK IN ANY JOB..WE’RE NOT PICKY…ALSO IF POOR PEOPLE ARE POOR IT’S NOT BECAUSE THEIR LAZY..MAYBE SOME ARE BUT MOST ARE POOR BECAUSE THEY CANT WORK, OR ARE TOO OLD OR SOME ARE JUST KIDS…SO ALL THEY CAN DO IS BE IN THE STREETS..BELIEVE ME I DON’T THINK THEY WANNA BE IN THE STREETS!!!…OH YEA AND I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL..BECAUSE WEN YOU START THINKING OF SHOOTING PEOPLE THAT HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU THAT JUST MEANS YOUR HAVING MENTAL PROBLEMS…HOW ABOUT YOU DO SOMETHING WITH UR LIFE OR BETTER YET GET A LIFE!!!…
Mandy said,
April 25, 2007 at 9:45 am
Sarcasm is somewhat betrayed when written down…