02.09.06
suggestions for a beer-novice
For the past few days I’ve been sensing God tugging on my heartstrings. I’ve been able to clearly discern the call of God in my life to write a post about what kinds of beer I would suggest for a novice. In fact, and don’t tell my Christian Reformed Church about this, I had a vision. This is how it went:
God: Hey Brandon, ’sup, yo?
Brandon: Oh, nothin’. I’m just sitting around.
God: Oh, good…so…I’ve got a request.
Brandon: No prob. What’s the deal?
God: I’ve been thinking, you talk a lot about, beer right?
Brandon: Yeah, I do. I can’t get enough of the stuff.
God: Well, I was thinking, I’d like to see more people drinking beer. It’s good for the soul.
Brandon: Right on, right on…
God: And, I’d love to mention it, you know like over the loudspeaker or something, but I’d hate for Jenkins and LaHaye to think they got their theology right and start expecting the rapture or something.
Brandon: No doubt, those guys drive me nuts, too.
God: Yeah, and the last time I issued a statment about how more people should drink beer the fundies had a shit-fit…so I’m thinking you should mention it over at your blog.
Never one to ignore the call of the Lord, I’m writing about beer and how more people should drink it. It occurs to me that more people would drink beer if it weren’t for the fact that lots of people don’t really LIKE beer all that much. Now, it is truly my contention that if you don’t like beer there are three possible reasons:
- You’ve never been introduced into beer slowly. (i.e. You jumped right in to a beer that was far too complex for your tastes, didn’t like it, and gave up on beer.)
- You’ve never tasted beer. (i.e. You’re too young…)
- You’ve sold your soul to Satan.
Most people, I think, fall into class number 1. And, with no more fanfare, I’d like to offer you a few suggestions for beers that I think you’d like if you’re not a beer drinker.
- I know I may have mentioned it before, but Lindeman’s Framboise is a marvelous surprise for anyone who hasn’t ever liked beer. This is, bar none, the perfect first beer.
- Hoegaarden, although after you’ve drank it for some time you may start to tire of it, is a nice refreshing summer white ale.
- My next suggestion is a New York microbrew brewed in the traditional Belgian style. Hennepin Farmhouse Saison).
- Finally, lots of people are looking to get over their dark beer phobia. Well, that’s not exactly true. Most ot the time it’s us dark beer lovers who are desperately trying to get others over their dark beer phobia because such phobias irk us dark beer lovers incredibly. I have two darker beer suggestions. My first is Newcastle Brown Ale, the perfect first darker ale. Not because it’s good, per se, but because people think it tastes like a lager. This will trick the drinker into thinking that all dark ales aren’t as bad as they think. Then, when you’ve got them so they think that dark beers aren’t bad (and they’re a little drunk because you’ve gotten 3 or 4 Newcastles into their system), it’s time to put the nails into the coffin of dark beer lovery. You buy them a Chimay Grand Reserve (yes, friends, that’s the blue bottle). You should be aware, though, that after buying them the Chimay, you may never be able to get them to drink cheap beer again, you’ll have to be okay with that.
Drink up friends, and be merry. And if anybody from your church asks, tell them Brandon said you were on a mission from God.
But I’ll add one more reason to your list of why I don’t like beer–my dad used to think it was funny to put some in my bottle :X
Zeke said,
February 9, 2006 at 4:40 pm
Red Hook makes a nice lager. For a smooth intro into the darker brews, I would recommend a pale ale like Bass.
dorsey said,
February 9, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Well said, sir. I must say, you’ve really gotten me aroused with your praise (here and in previous posts) for the Chimay line. I must find some.
While I already have more hobbies than I can attend, I feel the tug to try my hand at actually creating a brew of my own. Do you know anyone who home-brews? Do you think it is a worthwhile pursuit, or should I leave the task to the pros?
timmer k. said,
February 9, 2006 at 5:26 pm
There just isn’t enough chat about beer drinking in these parts. Good thing God stepped in and rectified the situation. You are a man of great faith for heeding the call, Brandon. Sounds like another jewel in your crown. Gotta say, though, if I’m gonna go Beligian, I gotta go Leffe…and then go Leffe again…and again. Then I just go to sleep.
Brandon said,
February 9, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Zeke, I love you man, but I feel called (again, by God) to challenge you as you are walking in darkness and have not seen the light (or is it walking in lightness and have not understood the darkness?) Anyway, Bass, in my holy opinion is positively a light beer, not a dark. Of course, to me, calling Newcastle a dark is even a stretch.
Dorsey, I’ve done quite a bit of homebrewing (and reading about homebrewing) what would you like to know?
If you do decide to do it, I’ll write up an equippment list…actually, that could be a post of its own…maybe to come soon!
Timmer, I, like you, love the Leffe. (Hometown: Bruges, Belgium) However, I’d still drink Chimay if given the choice. Leffe struck me as particularly lager-ish, but that’s just me…still very good…just lager-ish.
Stephen said,
February 9, 2006 at 7:37 pm
Brandon,speaking of Chimay, Chimay was my introduction into the world of beer, period.
Ah…it feels like yesterday that I was working as a receiving clerk at a small chain of retail stores. Our stupid (or brilliant) beer/wine dept. head accidentally ordered a pallet (approx. 30-60 cases) of each variety of Chimay, well red, blue, and white, not the gold.
For reasons that I cannot go into, namely since I signed the receiving form without looking too closely at the quanties (since we never had a pallet of any type of alcoholic beverage and invoices are printed on machines that are twice my age), and the beer/wine guy said, “Just take care of it. It is just fine. I’m going for a smoke,” and the delivery guy said, “Well, maybe it is for a special.”
Needless to say it was not for a special, and we had WAY too much Chimay. So, the store had to sell it off at a loss ($3.50/bottle of red, and slightly more for blue). I immediately called my parents, not being 21 at the time, but knowing quality when I saw “Belgian” and “Trappist”. The conversation went like this:
S: Mom? Can you come by work?
M: Is everything ok?
S: Yes…..we are just going to be having a VERY big sale on a VERY good beer, and I think that we should buy a couple cases.
M: Cases?
S: Yeah, well, I would get more, but I only have $300 in my account, and I need you to buy for me.
M: Ummm…Let me call your father.
…hang up…a couple hours later I get called to phone in the warehouse…
M: Steve? Dad wants to know how many cases they have.
S: Well, I don’t know exactly. They had some in the store already. I think we have about 50.
M: Dad, says to set aside 3 for us, and we will buy for you as many as you want.
..fade out…
That summer…changed my life. Never again could I look back on my days of stealing sips of Bud at ballgames as the pinnacle..I was different…and people would know why!
Drink Chimay!
Zeke said,
February 9, 2006 at 7:42 pm
Okay, so we are talking about the noobies, right? For noobs, anything darker than a lager is dark. I just figure it’s easier to begin to appreciate darker beers by trying out one of the smoother pale ales like Bass. But then, a nice Heifeweizen with a lemon wedge might do nicely too.
Kitty Booze said,
February 10, 2006 at 12:45 am
I’m going to have to say that Lindeman’s Peche (peach) is like way better then the framboise. It’s like champagne, only yummy and beery. That, coupled with cheese fries, is enough to make me have a food orgasm.
dougb said,
February 10, 2006 at 1:21 am
That is a great list - but i think i would finish it off with a Bells Amber or possibly one of their amazing stouts… Man i miss Michigan.
Though, the microbrews of Northern Colorado are really quite kind to the taste buds, and a good standard beer to introduce to any future beer lover would be a Nice Fat Tire Ale made by the folks at New Belgium.
Dorsey, homebrewing can be quite fun - and while the first batch doesn’t always come out tasting the greatest, it only gets better and better the more you learn how to tweak recipes to your taste. Quite the noble undertaking.
And why has no one started flaming awful american macrobrewed piss water? You know the one about the similarities between american beer and having sex in a canoe…. ?
Brandon said,
February 10, 2006 at 9:15 am
Now, don’t get me wrong Doug, but for a beginner either the Bell’s Amber or a Stout of some sort would probably just be too strong. …Now, what about sex in a canoe?
Stephen, your story is of mythic proportions. You had me transfixed!
Lara said,
February 10, 2006 at 12:00 pm
Oh dear, Steve… your family amuses me.
Brandon…. I have dark beer friends who strongly dislike Newcastle. They think it’s tricky…looking so much like a dark beer, but tasting so much like a lager. Personally, I don’t know that I’ll ever get over the affinity I have for a simple Yuengling Lager since it’s the beer I was raised on, but I have developed a taste for lots of darker microbrews and the wonderful Guiness half and halfs with either cider or Harp. Mmmm…
I definitely don’t drink enough beer.
Zeke - Hefeweizen = darker beer? What planet are you from?
Elise said,
February 10, 2006 at 12:15 pm
I must disagree. I do not drink at all and hate the taste of all alcohol, be it beer, hard alcohol, or fruffy drinks. One of the reasons is I’m Baha’i and Baha’is believe it’s not a good idea to put anything into your body that will alter your judgement. (Read: Baha’is are not allowed to drink)
But to each his own.
timmer k. said,
February 10, 2006 at 12:45 pm
I only get Baha’i if I smoke weed…which definitely alters my judgement…
I’m sorry, that was in poor taste. And yet, I can see myself reaching for the Submit comment button right now…
dougb said,
February 10, 2006 at 12:58 pm
Well, i will admit that a Bells Amber is quite… potent, though i think that by the end of your list it wouldn’t be a bad idea. Ever had a Two-Hearted, though? mmmmHoppymmmmm
oh, and american beer is like sex in a canoe, because, well, it’s fucking close to water.
Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal!
Brandon said,
February 10, 2006 at 1:26 pm
On the subject of Two-Hearted Ale by Kalamzoo Brewing Co (aka Bell’s) I have this to say: I really need to be in the mood to enjoy a Two-Hearted Ale. If I’m looking for uber-Hops, then yes, I turn to this beer.
HOWEVER, no matter how good I might think Two-Hearted Ale is, I would never put it on a list of beer for newbies. They’d walk away thinking beer tasted like turpentine because they wouldn’t have developed the taste for a hop flavour profile.
Fucking close to water…he he he. I may use that…soon.
e said,
February 10, 2006 at 1:34 pm
Peach? Raspberries? Fruit and beer should not mix. Except if you’re eating a fruit covered cheesecake whilst enjoying a nice porter.
As for you, Brandon, my Lutheran background is very proud of you! I think if it was up to Luther, he would have replaced communion wine with a nice, hearty lager!
Leighton said,
February 10, 2006 at 5:05 pm
Brandon,
Of the people who don’t like beer I definitely fall into Category 1. Thanks for the suggestions, I will definitely look them up next time I am out shopping for sake.
Audrey said,
February 10, 2006 at 5:22 pm
e,
But fruit and beer DO mix, very nicely. I brewed up a very nice cherry steam last fall. It’s messy (the pits and pulp from 5 pounds of cherries, mostly), but the taste is wonnerful.
I got hold of some Sam Adams Cranberry Lambic that was awfully good.
One trick I’ve learned about fruit beers is that you have to be careful in hops selection and hopping levels. Easy does it, basically.
My introduction to beer came when I was 3 at a picnic/softball game. Dad let me have a taste of his San Miguel (I’ll just let her have a sip — she’ll hate it, kids don’t like beer.) Not much later, the guys who were out in the field playing softball couldn’t figure out why their beers were empty … I’ve liked beer ever since.
Audrey
the cleric said,
February 10, 2006 at 6:47 pm
right on. perfect list, i say.
rick said,
February 11, 2006 at 9:45 am
Anchor Steam, a San Francisco original.
“sitting in the moring sun, I’ll be sitting when the evening’s done. Watching the tide roll in…”
BTW, whatever happened to Black Label and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
rick said,
February 11, 2006 at 9:50 am
Oh Brandon, one more thing… you are going to burn in the Lake of Fire for talking about alcohol as if it is a product of God but it is the devil in disguise. You are luring people into darkness and tempting them to become “drunk on beer” . When they tie the stone around you and toss you into the Lake of FIre, you’ll wish that some one would touch the tip of your tongue with an ice-cold Strohs.
Just something to think about.
Joe said,
February 11, 2006 at 12:58 pm
Last night I finally got over my apprehension to Guinness.
Of course, the girl sitting next to me offering that I drink it probably had something to do with that!
Another good read, thanks.
Brandon said,
February 11, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Strohs, indeed.
Angel said,
February 11, 2006 at 5:46 pm
LOL I’m *almost* tempted to try those
But I’ll add one more reason to your list of why I don’t like beer–my dad used to think it was funny to put some in my bottle :X
Can’t my soul be saved by a Bacardi, or homemade Margarita?
Allison said,
February 11, 2006 at 7:01 pm
Hee, hee, hee…Rick, I’m still laughing. The product of Satan, indeed. I still can’t imagine ever wishing for a Stroh’s…or a Bud…or a Miller…or (since I’m in Colorado) a Coors. My dad can have those to himself.
I didn’t drink a beer in its entirety until I was a sophomore in college and a friend from Wisconsin was aghast that I’d never had one (I just didn’t like it). It was a Michelob, and I still didn’t like it. A couple years later, I did study abroad in London, and THEN got onto real beer. Nukie Brown used to be a standby for me in the early days, so may it could be okay for a newbie. That said, it delivers a wicked hangover, so drink lots of water.
Guinness was something I still avoided until after college. I was sitting in a pub with a friend and made the offhand remard that maybe I should finally *try* one sometime — meaning in the privacy of my own home, where I could retch in peace. Next thing I knew, a creamy pint appeared, and the rest is history. Really, I think Guinness can be a good newbie drink, IF the drinker can get past the color. My decidedly un-beery cousin will drink one beer, and only one: Guinness. Go figure.
Audrey, I laughed about your story. My one-year old loves beer (and wine, and anything alcoholic), to the point where it’s a party trick. Pull a brown bottle out of the fridge, and she starts loudly saying “mmmmm. Mmmmmm. MMMMMMM!” She only gets the ocassional sip, but she begs like a puppy for those.
Zeke said,
February 11, 2006 at 11:29 pm
Zeke - Hefeweizen = darker beer? What planet are you from?
:::smacking forehead:::
Oy! What I’m trying to say is that your typical beer noob has had nothing but thin-as-water domestic lagers. Beers like Bass or a nice Heifeweizen expand their horizons without revolutionizing their pallets. Dig?
Brandon said,
February 12, 2006 at 12:29 pm
Oh, and Angel, no matter how much you dislike beer, I’d suggest you try a Lindeman’s Framboise–I almost guarantee you’ll love it. (And, you won’t have any flashbacks to your childhood bottle.)
Bethany said,
February 12, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Nice list…though God told me she’s a wine woman herself.
Oh, and please tell me you were kidding; that God didn’t actually say, “’sup, yo?” I think that just might make me lose my faith…
Little Light said,
February 13, 2006 at 5:56 pm
Your timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Not drinking beer has been nagging at me for years, so I finally gave in. I am in my third week of being a beer drinker and trying to work my way through Beck’s Light and Sam Adams Light - thanks for the suggestions.
Troy said,
February 15, 2006 at 10:38 pm
You mentioned some good beers, but when you talked about “dark” beers you mentioned some fair beers, but you should try some stouts. My recent favorite is Founders Breakfast Stout - it is brewed with “an abundance of flaked oats, bitter and sweetened imported chocolates, Sumatra and Kona coffee. We’re actually not sure if this is some type of coffee cake or a beer. Either way you can drink this ale with a fork.” (the commercial description) Another favorite is Paulaner’s Salvator - a dopplebock (double bock) beer. It should be enjoyed at room temperature. If you are not familiar with this site, you need to check it out: http://www.ratebeer.com
These guys knowtheir beers. Enjoy (in moderation), Troy
Angel said,
June 19, 2006 at 11:01 pm
Here’s a follow-up to an older post/comment:
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the Framboise!!!!! And with a side of dark chocolate? Pure heaven!
You were right. I was wrong. Forgive me badchristian, for I doubted thee. Does that mean I’m saved now?