08.28.05
Posted in life, fun at 9:04 pm by
Warning: Normally, I try to preserve at least a bit of decorum and political correctness. I didn’t really make it with this post. If you’re easily offended you should stop now (how’s that for a teaser, eh?)
Since Jen has been supporting our family on a meager educator’s salary, we’ve not been eating out at the sorts of places where one would expect to find the highest eschelon of society. Yet, we do get out from time to time.
Anyhow, Jen, the last time we were visiting our favorite buffet restaurant, mentioned that she had something to tell me when we got back to the car. Now, for anyone who’s not familiar with this tactic (of sharing information when you’ve gotten back to the car), it basically implies that you’re going to make fun of someone and you’d rather not do it in public. Jen does tell me, though, that her comment has to do with Darwin. At this point, I’m suspicious I know what she’s about to say, and the smirk on her face belies the fact that she thinks she’s made quite a ‘funny.’
So, we get out to the car, and I ask her what her thought has to do with Darwin. In true McCarty Musings style, here’s our Real-Life Conversation:
Brandon: So what were you going to tell me about Charles Darwin?
Jen: Well, you know about natural selection, right?
Brandon: Yeah, it’s basically the whole fittest, smartest, strongest reproduce right?
Jen: Yeah. I just don’t believe it to be true. I mean did you see some of the people in there? Seems like natural selection is working backwards, if you know what I mean.
Brandon: (Scratches head). I think I do know what you mean.
Jen was right. As I looked around the restaurant, it didn’t seem to be the smartest, the strongest, nor the fittest who had procreated with the most success. Not at all. In fact, it seemed to me that the LEAST fit folks were most successful in making offspring (or least successful at figuring out birth-control). They were reproducing like bunnies. Kids were flocking around tables like really loud, ill-kempt black flies on a three day old deer carcass.
Take a bite of food, buzz around the table, take a bite of food, buzz around the table, take a bite of food, buzz around the table…you get the idea.
Anyway, back to our Real Life Conversation:
Jen: Yeah, so, I just can’t believe in evolution.
Brandon: It’s almost like humans are evolving into two distinct creatures…
And at this point, I had an epiphany. Humans must, in fact, be evolving into two distinct groups. One group, a group that I’d love to believe I belong to (yet, if you met me I’m not sure you’d be as willing to so assign me,) is made up of the fittest, the strongest, and the smartest.
Another group is made up of the closed minded, the not quite so smart, yes friends, the NASCAR fan. In fact, this might just be God’s way of striking back at us all for insisting on teaching intelligent design in science classes. Can’t you just see that little vignette play out in heaven or somewhere?
(Beware, at this point all preservation of propriety and decorum are shot straight to crap. Read on at your own risk. I don’t REALLY think I can speak for God…but if you’re reading this and you’re not God, you can’t either. The following (much like the preceding has been) is hyperbole and satire–isn’t it a sad world that I have to announce that publicly–failure to see it as such will be taken as evidence that you really are that dumb.)
God: Can you believe those morons are insisting on teaching intelligent design in high school science classes?
Jesus (sitting on the right hand of God): Seriously! I can’t believe it. What the hell are we going to do about this?
God: Hmm…that’s a good question. Wait, I’ve got it! I’ll teach those little bastards. I’ll just de-evolve the ones who’re insistent on teaching a literal 6 day creation in public high schools back into apes. That’ll really knock out two birds with one stone. First, no ape is going to be teaching intelligent design, AND just think of the poetic justice.
So, according to my theory, not only are humans continually evolving, but also some are actually de-evolving–as evidenced by NASCAR, buffet restaurants, and the off-putting prevelance of mullet styled haircuts. The NASCAR watching, buffet eating, mullet sporting demographic are meeting eachother and they’re making babies with reckless abandon, preserving their traits.
It just so happens, that this might be part of God’s plan of restorative justice. On one hand, Gorrillas are endangered animals, and we could use more of them, so God spoke and God said, “let there be more apes.” Thus began the turning of these folks back into apes. On the other hand, there were probably too many NASCAR fans out there who were also fans of intelligent design. God saw all these things and acted accordingly.
In fact, you’ll probably notice that most of the leaders of movements involved in the proliferation of intelligent design have an over-abundance of body/facial hair. For example, see the photo to the right of Ken Ham, creator of the Answers in Genesis organization. Clearly, Ken has begun developing ape-ish characteristics. Note the extentding jaw bone and encroaching facial hair. Further, individuals like Pat Robertson have begun experiencing an extended jaw line and an inexplicable proponderance of ear-hair.
The guy on the left is another great example. I defy you to prove to me that there is no such thing as de-evolution with dudes like this running around. I think this is clear proof that my theory has both theological and scientific merit. In a sense, wouldn’t Hen Ham be proud? I mean, in a way he’s tangibly contributing to proving the existence of God, right? It’s just not shaking out exactly like he thought. Listen, I’m not trying to argue that being an ape is bad. I mean, as close as we can tell from science (”good” science, that is) human beings came from them. As Christians we’ll need to learn to love these apes, too.
In the end, I’m glad that Jen and I had this little discussion and my ‘badchristian’ theory of de-evolution could be born. I mean, it’s just as rooted in good science as any literal six-day creationists’. And, it just makes so much sense. So, let’s not give Ken Ham a rough time. We only have him for so much longer in his current state. And for the love of all that’s good and right, let’s take it easy on Pat Robertson. He’s going through a tough transition right now. Perhaps it’s his transformation to an ape that makes him think that ‘Guerrilla warfare’ is a good idea? Well, it’s just a thought.
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Posted in life, fun at 9:04 pm by
Warning: Normally, I try to preserve at least a bit of decorum and political correctness. I didn’t really make it with this post. If you’re easily offended you should stop now (how’s that for a teaser, eh?)
Since Jen has been supporting our family on a meager educator’s salary, we’ve not been eating out at the sorts of places where one would expect to find the highest eschelon of society. Yet, we do get out from time to time.
Anyhow, Jen, the last time we were visiting our favorite buffet restaurant, mentioned that she had something to tell me when we got back to the car. Now, for anyone who’s not familiar with this tactic (of sharing information when you’ve gotten back to the car), it basically implies that you’re going to make fun of someone and you’d rather not do it in public. Jen does tell me, though, that her comment has to do with Darwin. At this point, I’m suspicious I know what she’s about to say, and the smirk on her face belies the fact that she thinks she’s made quite a ‘funny.’
So, we get out to the car, and I ask her what her thought has to do with Darwin. In true McCarty Musings style, here’s our Real-Life Conversation:
Brandon: So what were you going to tell me about Charles Darwin?
Jen: Well, you know about natural selection, right?
Brandon: Yeah, it’s basically the whole fittest, smartest, strongest reproduce right?
Jen: Yeah. I just don’t believe it to be true. I mean did you see some of the people in there? Seems like natural selection is working backwards, if you know what I mean.
Brandon: (Scratches head). I think I do know what you mean.
Jen was right. As I looked around the restaurant, it didn’t seem to be the smartest, the strongest, nor the fittest who had procreated with the most success. Not at all. In fact, it seemed to me that the LEAST fit folks were most successful in making offspring (or least successful at figuring out birth-control). They were reproducing like bunnies. Kids were flocking around tables like really loud, ill-kempt black flies on a three day old deer carcass.
Take a bite of food, buzz around the table, take a bite of food, buzz around the table, take a bite of food, buzz around the table…you get the idea.
Anyway, back to our Real Life Conversation:
Jen: Yeah, so, I just can’t believe in evolution.
Brandon: It’s almost like humans are evolving into two distinct creatures…
And at this point, I had an epiphany. Humans must, in fact, be evolving into two distinct groups. One group, a group that I’d love to believe I belong to (yet, if you met me I’m not sure you’d be as willing to so assign me,) is made up of the fittest, the strongest, and the smartest.
Another group is made up of the closed minded, the not quite so smart, yes friends, the NASCAR fan. In fact, this might just be God’s way of striking back at us all for insisting on teaching intelligent design in science classes. Can’t you just see that little vignette play out in heaven or somewhere?
(Beware, at this point all preservation of propriety and decorum are shot straight to crap. Read on at your own risk. I don’t REALLY think I can speak for God…but if you’re reading this and you’re not God, you can’t either. The following (much like the preceding has been) is hyperbole and satire–isn’t it a sad world that I have to announce that publicly–failure to see it as such will be taken as evidence that you really are that dumb.)
God: Can you believe those morons are insisting on teaching intelligent design in high school science classes?
Jesus (sitting on the right hand of God): Seriously! I can’t believe it. What the hell are we going to do about this?
God: Hmm…that’s a good question. Wait, I’ve got it! I’ll teach those little bastards. I’ll just de-evolve the ones who’re insistent on teaching a literal 6 day creation in public high schools back into apes. That’ll really knock out two birds with one stone. First, no ape is going to be teaching intelligent design, AND just think of the poetic justice.
So, according to my theory, not only are humans continually evolving, but also some are actually de-evolving–as evidenced by NASCAR, buffet restaurants, and the off-putting prevelance of mullet styled haircuts. The NASCAR watching, buffet eating, mullet sporting demographic are meeting eachother and they’re making babies with reckless abandon, preserving their traits.
It just so happens, that this might be part of God’s plan of restorative justice. On one hand, Gorrillas are endangered animals, and we could use more of them, so God spoke and God said, “let there be more apes.” Thus began the turning of these folks back into apes. On the other hand, there were probably too many NASCAR fans out there who were also fans of intelligent design. God saw all these things and acted accordingly.
In fact, you’ll probably notice that most of the leaders of movements involved in the proliferation of intelligent design have an over-abundance of body/facial hair. For example, see the photo to the right of Ken Ham, creator of the Answers in Genesis organization. Clearly, Ken has begun developing ape-ish characteristics. Note the extentding jaw bone and encroaching facial hair. Further, individuals like Pat Robertson have begun experiencing an extended jaw line and an inexplicable proponderance of ear-hair.
The guy on the left is another great example. I defy you to prove to me that there is no such thing as de-evolution with dudes like this running around. I think this is clear proof that my theory has both theological and scientific merit. In a sense, wouldn’t Hen Ham be proud? I mean, in a way he’s tangibly contributing to proving the existence of God, right? It’s just not shaking out exactly like he thought. Listen, I’m not trying to argue that being an ape is bad. I mean, as close as we can tell from science (”good” science, that is) human beings came from them. As Christians we’ll need to learn to love these apes, too.
In the end, I’m glad that Jen and I had this little discussion and my ‘badchristian’ theory of de-evolution could be born. I mean, it’s just as rooted in good science as any literal six-day creationists’. And, it just makes so much sense. So, let’s not give Ken Ham a rough time. We only have him for so much longer in his current state. And for the love of all that’s good and right, let’s take it easy on Pat Robertson. He’s going through a tough transition right now. Perhaps it’s his transformation to an ape that makes him think that ‘Guerrilla warfare’ is a good idea? Well, it’s just a thought.
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Leighton said,
August 29, 2005 at 3:49 am
Okay, I’m going to be an uncultured clueless lout and observe the following things you might expect from an academic pedant–(1) survival of the fittest was never stated by Darwin, it was a concept advanced by Herbert Spencer, (2) natural selection acts on populations rather than on individuals, (3) evolution is not directed, (4) blah blah blah nobody really cares what this paragraph says.
With that out of the way, you owe me a new keyboad; the one I have has been ruined by snorted beer. (You also owe me a new set of sinuses.)
Michael Jordan said,
August 29, 2005 at 9:03 am
In a few of your posts, you have touched on the idea that you’re searching for truth - to see things the way God sees them. As far as I know, God has only enlightened us with relation to intelligent design through the Bible, and I don’t see Him making much fun of creation in there. I see Him creating and calling it good. I see it as near-heresy for you to be putting words in God’s mouth that #1 have no Biblical basis, and #2 are simply to make fun of part of His creation.
Brandon said,
August 29, 2005 at 9:16 am
Dear MJ,
I wrote and you clearly ignored:
(Beware, at this point all preservation of propriety and decorum are shot straight to crap. Read on at your own risk. I don’t REALLY think I can speak for God…but if you’re reading this and you’re not God, you can’t either. The following (much like the preceding has been) is hyperbole and satire–isn’t it a sad world that I have to announce that publicly–failure to see it as such will be taken as evidence that you really are that dumb.)
I’ve got a new thesis, I’ll post on it soon. In short, though, here it is: In addition to not understanding IRONY, many Christians have completely and utterly missed any sense of understanding Satire. Thanks for being evidence of that.
Nothing like being called a heretic early on a Monday morning. *sniff* *sniff* is that ignorant arrogance I smell?
Brandon said,
August 29, 2005 at 9:18 am
Oh, and Leighton,
I did know some of your scientific clarifications. I wasn’t really shooting for either biblical or scientific accuracy in the above post. But, you’re absolutely correct in your assertions.
Sorry about your keyboard. And..your sinuses, but I’m glad I could grant you a chuckle.
Steve C said,
August 29, 2005 at 10:04 am
Hey Brandon - you heretic….
Pretty funny stuff.
I just read a quote from Ken Ham this weekend in the LA Times. Here is the link about something his group is doing to “evangelize” the evolutionists.
Adam, Eve and T. Rex
Truth is definitely stranger than fiction.
MMM said,
August 29, 2005 at 10:38 am
(wince)
eddieO said,
August 29, 2005 at 11:41 am
very funny post. if hard core christian types had it their way, living in abject filth would still be considered godly, america would never have been found as the world would still be flat and life saving inventions like the lightning rod would never be allowed to exist on buildings as they prevent god from killing sinners.
eddieO
Stephen said,
August 29, 2005 at 12:20 pm
Brandon,
Funny as always, but i have abit of a bone to pick. Granted, it is a bone that has been lodged in my beard since last Thanksgiving, but that is beside the point.
I am not sure if hairiness is necessarily a sign of devolving. I think that it would be a merger of hairness, a desire to carve things in it, and a reliance on pomade for Sunday respectibility.
Well-posted,
The Bearded One
Angel said,
August 29, 2005 at 12:36 pm
HYSTERICAL! I laughed hard enough that my husband will be over later to read what set me off
And trust me, I see plenty of de-evolution around here to believe in your theory. Usually at wallyworld.
paula said,
August 29, 2005 at 1:22 pm
hey…first of all, i’ve had these thoughts many times over, so i totally relate…
but i get scared when i think this because it smacks of something hitler-esque…saying that there is a superior and an inferior race…
at the same time, it certainly seems like people who aren’t too intelligent (and don’t plan on getting pregnant and are not equipped for parenthood) tend to have far more children than those of us who carefully contemplate it for years before actually having an only child.
so i could see this taking its toll on the nation after a while.
Brandon said,
August 29, 2005 at 1:48 pm
Steve,
I felt like I was probably safe making the post (as I, myself, am a bit of a hairy bastard, too.) I like your description of what we Commers who drift more toward the social science end of the spectram than the humanities end would call an interaction effect. De-evolution is the dependent variable, while hairyness and the desire to make odd carvings in that hair would be the independent ones.
Angel,
Yet another (and as if we needed one more) reason to stay out of Walmart.
Paula,
The difference between my theory of de-evolution etc. and Hitler is primarily that he was serious, and I’m not.
Allison said,
August 29, 2005 at 2:07 pm
***SNORT***
If the post wasn’t amusing enough, the comment by MJ set me rolling. Irony and satire, indeed.
On a (only slightly) more serious note, what the hell is wrong with teaching only what science has discovered? Why do the wingnuts find it so offensive to consider the possiblity that perhaps God did all of this creation USING evolution?
Related: apparently the U Cal system has rejected some Christian academies’ courses as not meeting the standards they require for incoming freshmen. As you’d expect, the Christian contingent is screaming “discrimination!” But really, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with teaching Christianity at a Christian school…just be sure that you ALSO teach the FACTS that colleges require. Duh.
Ooops…didn’t mean to rant there…
AUdrey said,
August 29, 2005 at 3:51 pm
Brandon,
I like the blog re-model.
The observation that family size tends to be inversely correlated with socio-economic status isn’t a new one. It was one of the things that drove the eugenics movement of the late 19th and early 20th Centuries.
Audrey
Brandon said,
August 29, 2005 at 3:55 pm
Audrey,
Nice to see you back around these parts!
juanito said,
September 9, 2005 at 12:58 pm
An old SF short story, “The Little Black Bag” by Cyril M. Kornbluth talks about a future where the “proles” have certainly bred themselves into a teeming mass of idiots who rely on the ruling class to maintain civilization. The ruling class are superhumanly intelligent, live for hundred of years, but can no longer reproduce.
And yes, it’s happening.
Harvey Danger:
“Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don’t even own a TV”
Juan Martinez said,
February 20, 2006 at 7:14 am
Man, you’re completely and absolutely right. Just check the kind of morons that are going out with the best girls.
And ugly girls also breed, which is in contradiction with the evolutive theories… They certainly need an update.