08.22.05
Posted in christ-haunted life at 9:15 pm by
NOTE: For some context on this series, reading volume 1 (the introduction) would be helpful. And, if you like here is volume 2 and volume 3.
When I was in Junior High, I wasn’t really a ’social-lite’. I mean, I think I was pretty normal (as far as Junior High standards go), but I certainly wasn’t one of the ‘popular kids’. Part of my personality–or at least I think it’s a personality trait–is that I tend to be the kind of person who people feel comfortable giving ’shit’ to. That is, people make fun of me. And, frankly, they usually do it when they like me, so I don’t mind.
When one is in Junior High, however, this personality trait attracts a less kind sort of attention. People relentlessly made fun of me. (Or, at least that’s what I remember perceiving of my Junior High experience, whether that’s true or not, that’s up for debate.) Anyway, the thing that really got me was that I was called ‘Bran-dumb’. Now, all evidence should’ve pointed to the fact that this wasn’t true (or at least that it wasn’t true in comparison to the majority of my classmates). However, the mind of a gangly 6 foot, 120 pound, 14 year-old doesn’t necessarily parse information as clearly as he should.
I know that many of you have similar stories. Junior Highers are cruel. I think that might be the one constant truth in all creation. Yet, this insignificant little cruelty stuck with me.
That’s not to say I still think of myself as ‘dumb’, at least not outwardly. But, it does pop up from time to time. For example, I think that sometimes there’s a nagging doubt about my abilities that hangs around. Although, I’d imagine that might just be human nature. Even my advisor admits to self-doubt (and for that, I’m incredibly grateful because it gives me hope that I might, if I’m lucky, make it through grad school, too.)
I think, though, that spending three years as ‘Bran-dumb’ had a lasting effect on me. From time to time, I think I managed to convince myself that, no matter how hard I worked, I’d never be more than marginally successful. This, of course, had a negative effect on how hard I actually worked in college. It wasn’t until I started grad school that I had finally started to believe that I could, in fact, be legitimately good at my discipline.
I’m not a savant. I’ll probably never be the next Einstien (or G.R. Miller) of human communication. And, you know what else, I’ll probably also never be the next “Real Live Preacher” of the blogosphere. But, I can be Brandon. I can be myself. Uniquely created to do something. Uniquely created to be a part of something.
And here, friends, is the true value of community. No matter what your faith: Christian, Jew, Athiest, or Hindu–you’re valued here. Not because I want to turn you into anything. And, not because I particularly care about evangelizing you (at least not in the 20th/21st century sense of the word). I’m glad you’re here not because of some sense of what I can offer to YOU, I’m glad you’re here because of what WE can offer to EACHOTHER.
We’re all worthwhile…no matter what they told you in Junior High.
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Posted in christ-haunted life at 9:15 pm by
NOTE: For some context on this series, reading volume 1 (the introduction) would be helpful. And, if you like here is volume 2 and volume 3.
When I was in Junior High, I wasn’t really a ’social-lite’. I mean, I think I was pretty normal (as far as Junior High standards go), but I certainly wasn’t one of the ‘popular kids’. Part of my personality–or at least I think it’s a personality trait–is that I tend to be the kind of person who people feel comfortable giving ’shit’ to. That is, people make fun of me. And, frankly, they usually do it when they like me, so I don’t mind.
When one is in Junior High, however, this personality trait attracts a less kind sort of attention. People relentlessly made fun of me. (Or, at least that’s what I remember perceiving of my Junior High experience, whether that’s true or not, that’s up for debate.) Anyway, the thing that really got me was that I was called ‘Bran-dumb’. Now, all evidence should’ve pointed to the fact that this wasn’t true (or at least that it wasn’t true in comparison to the majority of my classmates). However, the mind of a gangly 6 foot, 120 pound, 14 year-old doesn’t necessarily parse information as clearly as he should.
I know that many of you have similar stories. Junior Highers are cruel. I think that might be the one constant truth in all creation. Yet, this insignificant little cruelty stuck with me.
That’s not to say I still think of myself as ‘dumb’, at least not outwardly. But, it does pop up from time to time. For example, I think that sometimes there’s a nagging doubt about my abilities that hangs around. Although, I’d imagine that might just be human nature. Even my advisor admits to self-doubt (and for that, I’m incredibly grateful because it gives me hope that I might, if I’m lucky, make it through grad school, too.)
I think, though, that spending three years as ‘Bran-dumb’ had a lasting effect on me. From time to time, I think I managed to convince myself that, no matter how hard I worked, I’d never be more than marginally successful. This, of course, had a negative effect on how hard I actually worked in college. It wasn’t until I started grad school that I had finally started to believe that I could, in fact, be legitimately good at my discipline.
I’m not a savant. I’ll probably never be the next Einstien (or G.R. Miller) of human communication. And, you know what else, I’ll probably also never be the next “Real Live Preacher” of the blogosphere. But, I can be Brandon. I can be myself. Uniquely created to do something. Uniquely created to be a part of something.
And here, friends, is the true value of community. No matter what your faith: Christian, Jew, Athiest, or Hindu–you’re valued here. Not because I want to turn you into anything. And, not because I particularly care about evangelizing you (at least not in the 20th/21st century sense of the word). I’m glad you’re here not because of some sense of what I can offer to YOU, I’m glad you’re here because of what WE can offer to EACHOTHER.
We’re all worthwhile…no matter what they told you in Junior High.
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Trackback URL »
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Xpatriated Texan said,
August 23, 2005 at 11:35 am
I actuall attended four different jr. high schools. They got progressively smaller and more open to new people - mostly because they rarely had new people.
I can identify a lot with what you say. I just didn’t fit in with the kids that had lived in each of those places for their whole lives. Since we weren’t military, I didn’t even have the comfort of blending in with that group.
But, I’ve always had the ability to make people laugh, even when I was crying inside. It got me through a lot of stuff relatively unscathed. Not that it’s important, but home, to me, is where I can let the tears out that I bottle up elsewhere.
I’ve enjoyed your blog from the day I found it. Partly it’s the name - I’ve been denounced from the pulpit as not being a “real” Christian. Partly it’s that you do not shy away from hard topics - even those that might not leave you looking 100% favorable to some. Partly it’s because under everything else, there is a sense of respect and an understanding that you don’t know everything, so you are willing to accept other’s points of view.
Thanks for a little home on the web.
XT
Brandon said,
August 23, 2005 at 11:40 am
*blushing* Geez, XT, I’m glad you think of this little corner of cyberspace as home. I do, too. */blushing*
ninjanun said,
August 23, 2005 at 2:38 pm
Brandon, you’re always one step ahead of me when it comes to telling your story.
I’m glad you’re sharing bits and pieces of what life was like for you in Jr. High. It’s amazing, when talking to old classmates from my graduating class, how insecure we all were, and how we all had a tendency to put each other down as a way to cover up that insecurity.
I haven’t got to Jr. High quite yet in my story, but I have finally touched on my first critical experience with church.
Oh, and I don’t think you’re dumb at all. You make me think and ponder, and can form your thoughts in a way which makes me feel insecure about my own ability to ponder and communicate.