03.15.05
Posted in life at 11:01 pm by
Sometimes I get to wondering if I really have anymore blog entries left in me. Yes, I’m sure I could dig up the next big fundamentalist movement and write about how dumb they are, and why they’re wrong. But, to tell the truth–and I don’t want to sound too arrogant here–it’s just not that hard to rip these idiots a new asshole. This kind of blog posting is kind of like fishing in a stocked trout pond. You’re really fishing, but the truth of the matter is that the excitement, the thrill of the hunt (so to speak) is a bit lacking.
It’s a bit hard as a writer to spend time on more in depth targets. I mean, the narcissist in me can count on getting hits from all over the internet if I properly use cues that will get picked up in the search engine. (Not that search engine placement is a less noble goal by any means.) Yes, my ego gets stroked when I post those kind of things.
I also rather enjoy getting a person riled up–for example, our friend Kent on the most recent abortion post. As long as I’m being honest, I just loved pissing him off and making him look stupid. Nice? No, not really, but it was enjoyable for me. (Yes. That’s hard to admit.)
Sometimes I feel like the quality of an entry can be judged by the quantity of comments and trackbacks it attracts. On the surface, that seems like a logical notion. However, if I pry a little deeper into my heart, I think that there’s more to it than that. I simply cannot believe that the only intrinsic value of a piece of writing is that meaning which the reader garners from a work.
The value to which I refer is that intrinsic value that is the benefit I receive from actually putting pen to paper (or fingers to keys as the case may be.) I know that there are bloggers out there who really are able to write for an audience–and what that audience thinks is the purpose of the writing. However, for a relatively small-time blogger like myself, there needs to be more than the quantitative popularity of anything I post.
I guess what I’m saying is that I think I need to get a little more selfish again. I write better when I do. When I write for others to read, I usually end up with something that others like–but I’m dissatisfied with the content. On the other hand, when I write for myself, when I’m very emotionally tied to my entries, it’s hard to bear when others don’t find them as enthralling as I. It’s like I’ve aired my dirty laundry for everyone to see, and then I’m not quite sure what everybody thinks of that laundry. To extend the analogy, you’re probably taken aback by the streaks in my boxers…okay…that analogy was officially extended too far.
It’s a catch 22. Either way, I’m so hopelessly addicted to the practice of writing often, I doubt I’ll quit anytime soon. I think, though, I’ll try to do a better job of keeping my laundry on the line…for some reason, I think what I write just ends up a little ‘truer’ that way.
Does that make sense?
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Posted in life at 11:01 pm by
Sometimes I get to wondering if I really have anymore blog entries left in me. Yes, I’m sure I could dig up the next big fundamentalist movement and write about how dumb they are, and why they’re wrong. But, to tell the truth–and I don’t want to sound too arrogant here–it’s just not that hard to rip these idiots a new asshole. This kind of blog posting is kind of like fishing in a stocked trout pond. You’re really fishing, but the truth of the matter is that the excitement, the thrill of the hunt (so to speak) is a bit lacking.
It’s a bit hard as a writer to spend time on more in depth targets. I mean, the narcissist in me can count on getting hits from all over the internet if I properly use cues that will get picked up in the search engine. (Not that search engine placement is a less noble goal by any means.) Yes, my ego gets stroked when I post those kind of things.
I also rather enjoy getting a person riled up–for example, our friend Kent on the most recent abortion post. As long as I’m being honest, I just loved pissing him off and making him look stupid. Nice? No, not really, but it was enjoyable for me. (Yes. That’s hard to admit.)
Sometimes I feel like the quality of an entry can be judged by the quantity of comments and trackbacks it attracts. On the surface, that seems like a logical notion. However, if I pry a little deeper into my heart, I think that there’s more to it than that. I simply cannot believe that the only intrinsic value of a piece of writing is that meaning which the reader garners from a work.
The value to which I refer is that intrinsic value that is the benefit I receive from actually putting pen to paper (or fingers to keys as the case may be.) I know that there are bloggers out there who really are able to write for an audience–and what that audience thinks is the purpose of the writing. However, for a relatively small-time blogger like myself, there needs to be more than the quantitative popularity of anything I post.
I guess what I’m saying is that I think I need to get a little more selfish again. I write better when I do. When I write for others to read, I usually end up with something that others like–but I’m dissatisfied with the content. On the other hand, when I write for myself, when I’m very emotionally tied to my entries, it’s hard to bear when others don’t find them as enthralling as I. It’s like I’ve aired my dirty laundry for everyone to see, and then I’m not quite sure what everybody thinks of that laundry. To extend the analogy, you’re probably taken aback by the streaks in my boxers…okay…that analogy was officially extended too far.
It’s a catch 22. Either way, I’m so hopelessly addicted to the practice of writing often, I doubt I’ll quit anytime soon. I think, though, I’ll try to do a better job of keeping my laundry on the line…for some reason, I think what I write just ends up a little ‘truer’ that way.
Does that make sense?
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mainsheet42 said,
March 15, 2005 at 11:56 pm
Brandon,
It’s your blog, so please yourself. The only option that I’d rule out is that you stop writing it entirely. Personally, it does my heart and mind good to be reminded that it’s possible to be religious and not a bible-idolator.
I will take a little issue with one thing. You said,
” When I write for others to read, I usually end up with something that others like–but I’m dissatisfied with the content.”
My comments:
(1) Perfection is the enemy of completion. All authors have to let go at some point and see what the audience thinks of the work.
(2) Once the work is released, meaning lies with the reader rather than the author. That’s something difficult to accept, but it remains true.
Sure, you meant one thing when you wrote it, but we (the readers) may interpret it in a different way. That was a high school lesson that never really came home to me until I was in grad school. We got into a debate in an English class I was taking about the meaning of a passage in Styron’s Confessions of Nat Turner. Somebody (not me) got the bright idea of writing to Styron and asking him what it meant.
We composed a letter to Styron outlining the debate and the two interpretations and asking him which was right.
We got a reply: Styron wrote a nice two paragraph letter. The bottom line: he said he didn’t know which was correct, and what did we think?
Once a work is released, it belongs to the world.
Audrey
Jason said,
March 16, 2005 at 8:12 am
Thanks for that post Brandon, I have been feeling the same way recently… wondering why I am doing it. It kind of feels intrusive sometimes, and part of me wishes I had never started.
Then I go back and read some of my older stuph (oohhh… all the way back to January) and see the difference in my style and my content. Certainly, I could bitch about a number of things going on the world/church/culture… probably get more readers and commenters that way… but it doesn’t feel entirely honest to the journey I am taking at this point in my life.
I hope you give voice to your laundry in a way that is meaningful and keeps you on whatever journey you are taking. I am going to keep writing what I see and feel for a while and we’ll just see what happens.
grace and peace
Adam said,
March 16, 2005 at 2:07 pm
I’m glad you wrote this entry. I’m really new to the bloggin thing and though I’m really bad at it. I find myself in the same struggles pretty often. Sometimes I even write things that I could give a shit about but that I think other people will like and that would draw hits to my site so I write about it. Which makes me feel like I’m simply ego boosting rather than actually writing anything meaningful.
Anyway, thanks for that.
McKormick said,
March 23, 2005 at 12:33 am
I’m of two minds on this. On the one hand, the blog can’t help but be self-referential. I mean how many blog posts are about nothing but blogs and blogging. It’s a silly cycle/circle. On the other hand, you can’t help but write what’s on your mind unless you have an editor telling you what to write about. So blog away about the blog I guess.
I must however take issue with you about ‘it’s just not that hard to rip these idiots a new asshole’ mentality; not to sound offensive but it did sound arrogant. Sure, it’s easy to tell the Falwells of the world they are fuckheads, and it’s easy to use the F word lots of times in a ‘christian’ post so people know that your aren’t like those others and it’s easy to rant about intolerance in the sanctuary; but it’s hard to figure out how to live again when the constructs of your faith have crumbled. That’s my journey and that’s not easy. Join that discussion and give me the answers.