02.23.05
Posted in fun at 12:00 am by
My friends, I’ve been ashamed of facing you. (Which, I suppose, should be the best part of coming clean on a blog. No facing invoved, right?) You see, I must admit something to you. Um, you know that diet I was on? Yeah. Unqualified disaster.
Let me start at the beginning. Last week, it went pretty good for the most part. I actually force myself to eat much better when Jen’s not home. Now, it’s not that Jen cooks bad food for me, not at all. I just did better last week at eating when she was gone. Maybe it’s because we both love food so much and our mutual loving of food has additive effects. I don’t know.
Anyway, I think at the beginning of the last paragraph I was starting at the beginning. Allow me to start at where I was when I began the paragraph above: at the beginning. You all remember my ‘fatass crisis’ mid last week, I’m sure. Allow me to recreate the vignette for you. There’s me, on a scale in the mall, an ever-so-grown 26 year old man reduced to tears (hyperbole) by a scale in front of a GNC. This 26 year old decides to get healthy.
The get healthy kick lasts for a grand total of 4 days. What happened? Well, it started with just an eensy-weensy 20 ounce bottle of diet cherry coke, (AKA: the gateway drug.) You’ll remember I had given up pop. So, 1 20 ounce bottle of pop leads to two and two leads to ditching the diet part of diet pop and before you know it I’m drinking my weight in calories every hour on the hour.
It all started so well. I mean, I even turned down desert when I ate with my friends James and Kari last week. Now, as far as today goes, I think I’ve been able to get ahold of my trainwreck of a diet. No pop. No snac…shit. I’ll be damned if they don’t walk into work and fill up our M&M jar. Chocked f’ing full. (Yes, this would have been a gratuitous use of the ‘f’ word.)
Now, had they filled the friggin’ thing with those contemptable ‘plain M&M’s’ I wouldn’t have cared. At least, I could have understood. But those devious bastards…they went for the peanut. Now, seriously. No one honestly expects a grown man to be able to resist the guile and charm of the peanut M & M, do they? Bastards. It’s a plot to kill off the Dutch, I’m sure.
Perhaps, I’d be better off to write more about music and less about diets. It’s a more popular topic anyway. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m a diet failure. I confess it. Please, all, love me despite my brokenness.
Permalink
Trackback URL »
http://www.badchristian.com/2005/02/23/time_to_come_clean/trackback/
Posted in fun at 12:00 am by
My friends, I’ve been ashamed of facing you. (Which, I suppose, should be the best part of coming clean on a blog. No facing invoved, right?) You see, I must admit something to you. Um, you know that diet I was on? Yeah. Unqualified disaster.
Let me start at the beginning. Last week, it went pretty good for the most part. I actually force myself to eat much better when Jen’s not home. Now, it’s not that Jen cooks bad food for me, not at all. I just did better last week at eating when she was gone. Maybe it’s because we both love food so much and our mutual loving of food has additive effects. I don’t know.
Anyway, I think at the beginning of the last paragraph I was starting at the beginning. Allow me to start at where I was when I began the paragraph above: at the beginning. You all remember my ‘fatass crisis’ mid last week, I’m sure. Allow me to recreate the vignette for you. There’s me, on a scale in the mall, an ever-so-grown 26 year old man reduced to tears (hyperbole) by a scale in front of a GNC. This 26 year old decides to get healthy.
The get healthy kick lasts for a grand total of 4 days. What happened? Well, it started with just an eensy-weensy 20 ounce bottle of diet cherry coke, (AKA: the gateway drug.) You’ll remember I had given up pop. So, 1 20 ounce bottle of pop leads to two and two leads to ditching the diet part of diet pop and before you know it I’m drinking my weight in calories every hour on the hour.
It all started so well. I mean, I even turned down desert when I ate with my friends James and Kari last week. Now, as far as today goes, I think I’ve been able to get ahold of my trainwreck of a diet. No pop. No snac…shit. I’ll be damned if they don’t walk into work and fill up our M&M jar. Chocked f’ing full. (Yes, this would have been a gratuitous use of the ‘f’ word.)
Now, had they filled the friggin’ thing with those contemptable ‘plain M&M’s’ I wouldn’t have cared. At least, I could have understood. But those devious bastards…they went for the peanut. Now, seriously. No one honestly expects a grown man to be able to resist the guile and charm of the peanut M & M, do they? Bastards. It’s a plot to kill off the Dutch, I’m sure.
Perhaps, I’d be better off to write more about music and less about diets. It’s a more popular topic anyway. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m a diet failure. I confess it. Please, all, love me despite my brokenness.
Permalink
Trackback URL »
http://www.badchristian.com/2005/02/23/time_to_come_clean/trackback/
Just Pat said,
February 23, 2005 at 12:46 am
BC, consider yourself loved. Don’t be discouraged. This is all part of the process of discovering the difference between digging your heals in the dirt and surrender. If what you really want is to get a grip on your appetites, you’ve just gained very valuable information.
zalm said,
February 23, 2005 at 3:35 am
if the peanut m&m’s don’t getcha, the almond paste will. or the four scoops of sugar i put in my coffee. *sigh* it’s a good thing us dutch are so tall.
seriously, though, just about everyone i know who’s tried to do what you’re trying to do has failed coming out of the starting blocks. i sure as hell did. the point is, even diet failures can lose weight. it just takes time to find a healthier set of foods that you can live with.
and if that fails, there’s always fit for god: the 8-week plan that kicks the devil out and invites healing in!
be honest now… did you forget to kick the devil out?
Brandon said,
February 23, 2005 at 8:43 am
Dammit. I knew I forgot something.
Thanks, Zalm.
And JustPat, thank you for your kind words. They are appreciated, as always.
The Word of God said,
February 23, 2005 at 2:16 pm
Deuteronomy 14:3
Do not eat any detestable thing.
greg said,
February 23, 2005 at 5:01 pm
Brandon,
The hot, hairdresser wife can eat a 2 lb. bag of peanut M&M’s in one day. Seriously. It’s her main addiction–Mexican food being a secondary addiction for her. If she didn’t work out, she’d be the robust, hairdresser wife. Fortunately, my addictions, red wine and hookah smoke, don’t lead to weight gain, so I suggest substitutin addictions. Hookers don’t cause weight gain either.
Benjamin said,
February 23, 2005 at 6:21 pm
All depends on the hooker.
Jason said,
February 23, 2005 at 8:33 pm
Ah yes Brandon…
It is the brokenness that enables us to love one another, that and really beer, or wine, or M&M’s (plain for me please)…
grace and peace
Martha said,
February 23, 2005 at 8:41 pm
Honey, brokenness is what being human is all about. I loved my muffin this morning, and I will never be thin. Sigh.
Ol Cranky said,
February 23, 2005 at 9:08 pm
Don’t stress, falling off the wagon is common. You have splurge on a kijilliion m & m’s and then you go back to eating better stuff.
-Pamela, wondering what the difference is b/t the hookers who don’t gain weight and those who do
zalm said,
February 23, 2005 at 9:49 pm
metabolism?
The Feminarian said,
February 24, 2005 at 10:20 am
Here’s an idea for you: try eating vegan. It seems extreme but if you do it for only 6 weeks or so it’s not so bad (and you’ll feel sooooo healthy). For men, it makes you drop weight like nobody’s business (it’s a bit slower for women). Plus there’s all kinds of neat health benefits. Check out: http://www.tryveg.com/
But of course, we all love you, meat-eater or no. This is just a little shortcut I discovered.
Benjamin said,
February 24, 2005 at 10:31 am
There is food, and then there is food that food eats.
Where you want to sit on that particular ladder is up to you Brandon…
Ian said,
February 26, 2005 at 9:30 pm
Hey, I would just like to say that I know who the tabasco donkey band is, and that i am a 3 time vet of philmont now. If by chance you have an mp3 of “I don’t mind” ((the one song with the lyric: “Civilization is a nice place, but i don’t want to live there” do you think you could hook me up? my email is attatched.
Ian