12.08.04

our christmas tree

Posted in culture at 8:42 pm by

Frank’s Nursery is going out of business. We got a steal on a Christmas tree there. It was fantastic. Well, fantastic until we got it home.

First, you’ve got to understand something about Thelma, cat number two. For some reason she’s been forever stranded in ‘kittenhood’, I think it’s kind of like a reverse aging disease, she’s stuck in incessant immaturity. We wouldn’t want it any other way. Paige, on the other hand, Paige is mean. She’s a crusty old woman, you know, the kind who flips off the bell ringer on the way out of the mall. So, problem number one is that Thelma–with an everpresent oral fixation–must chew on each branch of our new plastic tree. That’s fine, around the bottom of the tree, but our Thelma insists on climbing to near the top of our 7 and a half footer. As I write this, she’s perched on top of the mantle, crouched and ready to spring into the center of the tree. See photo:

It will be a miracle if she makes it through the holidays alive.

Second, this is the first year in my life that I’ve ever had a plastic tree. I think I used to be morally opposed. That is until last year. Last year I spent something like 80 bucks on a hacked off tree. I spent an hour and a half lighting the fucking thing up, and yet another hour decorating it further. Once all that was done, we had a tree, but that tree required care, watering, etc. Once the holidays were over we had a huge mess to clean up (needles in crevasses we didn’t even know existed.) Then, what to do with the spent tree. There were places you could go, but they require a vehicle equipped to handle an aging christmas tree. We drive cars. One fell bump and every damn needle falls off the tree. Those two facts make for messy car rides. So…my christmas tree last year sat in my back yard for 5 months, until I was ready to take a saw to it and turn it into small enough pieces to fit into my waste bin. Those parts of trunk that I couldn’t break down below the 1 inch diameter waste bin limit, are firewood…that remains unburned…in my garage.

I needed no more of this chicanery. We decided to go plastic this year. The whole process was much easier. However, and here’s the part where my problem comes in, both my dear Jen and I have eyes a bit bigger than our living room has space for christmas trees. Our tree barely fits up and down into our living room. However, up and down isn’t really the problem. Our biggest issue is that we’ve lost about 300 square feet of living room to our gargantuan tree. Turns out those things really spread out! (hang on a second…)

Dammit, Thelma! Get away from the tree!

Sorry. We now resume regularly scheduled blogging. My last christmas tree issue this year is that we may have gotten a tree that’s a bit too bright. We got one of those pre-lit trees–Jen does all she can to keep me from swearing too much during the decorating process. Turns out, those trees have one holy shitload of lights on ‘em. Truly spectacular. I now have to wear sunscreen in my living room in hopes that I will knock down some of the UV’s I’m picking up from my tree.

Seriously, though, We hit the switch on the tree and our living room looked like Vegas, baby. So, if you’re ever driving down Fuller Ave. NE and you look and see a little yellow house with one big friggin’ Christmas tree. That’s probably us. In fact, if you look in the picture window, you’ll probably see the bottom half of our monstrosity…if you’re lucky.

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our christmas tree

Posted in culture at 8:42 pm by

Frank’s Nursery is going out of business. We got a steal on a Christmas tree there. It was fantastic. Well, fantastic until we got it home.

First, you’ve got to understand something about Thelma, cat number two. For some reason she’s been forever stranded in ‘kittenhood’, I think it’s kind of like a reverse aging disease, she’s stuck in incessant immaturity. We wouldn’t want it any other way. Paige, on the other hand, Paige is mean. She’s a crusty old woman, you know, the kind who flips off the bell ringer on the way out of the mall. So, problem number one is that Thelma–with an everpresent oral fixation–must chew on each branch of our new plastic tree. That’s fine, around the bottom of the tree, but our Thelma insists on climbing to near the top of our 7 and a half footer. As I write this, she’s perched on top of the mantle, crouched and ready to spring into the center of the tree. See photo:

It will be a miracle if she makes it through the holidays alive.

Second, this is the first year in my life that I’ve ever had a plastic tree. I think I used to be morally opposed. That is until last year. Last year I spent something like 80 bucks on a hacked off tree. I spent an hour and a half lighting the fucking thing up, and yet another hour decorating it further. Once all that was done, we had a tree, but that tree required care, watering, etc. Once the holidays were over we had a huge mess to clean up (needles in crevasses we didn’t even know existed.) Then, what to do with the spent tree. There were places you could go, but they require a vehicle equipped to handle an aging christmas tree. We drive cars. One fell bump and every damn needle falls off the tree. Those two facts make for messy car rides. So…my christmas tree last year sat in my back yard for 5 months, until I was ready to take a saw to it and turn it into small enough pieces to fit into my waste bin. Those parts of trunk that I couldn’t break down below the 1 inch diameter waste bin limit, are firewood…that remains unburned…in my garage.

I needed no more of this chicanery. We decided to go plastic this year. The whole process was much easier. However, and here’s the part where my problem comes in, both my dear Jen and I have eyes a bit bigger than our living room has space for christmas trees. Our tree barely fits up and down into our living room. However, up and down isn’t really the problem. Our biggest issue is that we’ve lost about 300 square feet of living room to our gargantuan tree. Turns out those things really spread out! (hang on a second…)

Dammit, Thelma! Get away from the tree!

Sorry. We now resume regularly scheduled blogging. My last christmas tree issue this year is that we may have gotten a tree that’s a bit too bright. We got one of those pre-lit trees–Jen does all she can to keep me from swearing too much during the decorating process. Turns out, those trees have one holy shitload of lights on ‘em. Truly spectacular. I now have to wear sunscreen in my living room in hopes that I will knock down some of the UV’s I’m picking up from my tree.

Seriously, though, We hit the switch on the tree and our living room looked like Vegas, baby. So, if you’re ever driving down Fuller Ave. NE and you look and see a little yellow house with one big friggin’ Christmas tree. That’s probably us. In fact, if you look in the picture window, you’ll probably see the bottom half of our monstrosity…if you’re lucky.

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