09.18.04
why I don’t think I can go to church tomorrow
**Disclaimer: I think that it is only fair to warn here that I’ll be using several explitives. Normally, I’m fairly–though not exclusively–verbally reserved. I’m cutting that tie to propriety this evening. Oh tongue, be loosed to sing thy heart’s words.**
Fuck. I just am not sure I can go back to church. There’s a fine line that a couple walks when they begin dating. Eventually, fights happen, disagreements occur. This is par for the course. At some point though, one or both parties make a decision to either carry on through a sometimes hardship, or they decide that their differences are too much to surmount. Tonight, my wife said it best, “I’m just not sure any solution we could come up with could ever be bigger than the problems we face.”
I pray that this isn’t the beginning of the end of our relationship with the church we’ve been at for the past year and half. We’ve grown to love some things about it. The people, some of them anyway, are fantastic. But some are not.
Tonight we learned that our worship leader has began engaging in the practice of “grading” worship volunteers (folks who volunteer to go up in front of church and lead praise songs.) He has an “A” team, a “B” team, a “C” team, and a “D” team. Recently, he took the opportunity to kick some of the folks off of the “A” team because they hadn’t the skills necessary to pay the bills.
Holy fucktards, Batman! Hardly have I words to say. I cannot, simply cannot, wrap my mind around a reality in which it is simply okay to treat human beings like this. For shit sake, what scripture passage can one translate to read: “And thou shalt make only nice sounding music when one plays at the praisegasm that is Sunday morning. All those who makest music offensive to your worship leaders ears must be stricken to the reject pile of voluntary musicians.”
I get the point, so don’t lecture me on offering one’s best for God. I’ve already given that lecture. This clearly cannot be the problem. If it were we would be structuring our worship in a meaningful and intentional fashion. The only reason I can think of to do something like this would be so that folks in the congregation would not be destracted by the worship leaders…but, if that was really the goal, why put all the bad singers on one team? Why allow folks who are overly emotional and make distracting praise gestures (like the woman who jumps up and down in whilest having a praisegasm and her bra doesn’t support quite enough…suffice it to say it looks like we’re having jello.) Why does our worship leader make offhand comments aloud for the whole congregation to hear–and hopefully laugh at–DURING THE MOTHERFUCKING SERMON if he’s so fucking concerned about my worship experience being a truly authentic and uninterrupted?
My friends, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist. Our worship leader isn’t at all concerned with my worship experience. He couldn’t give a flying fucking shit if I am in a worshipful mood, or not on Sunday morning. I simply cannot think of any comprehensive or cogent reason for behaving this way toward people who volunteered for worship leadership. It is simply egomaniacal.
You guessed it, our worship boy has touched a nerve, I’ve been on the receiving end of just such an attack. I was a volunteer, not because I wanted to particularly or because I am a fantastic worship helper (having a worship leader is a messed up concept that I’d love to take my hacks at but now is not the time or place.) I was a volunteer because we needed one. Probably like those poor people at my church.
Those poor people who responded to our worship “leader” (that’s what I’ll call him because that’s how he sees himself and in effect what he is) when he asked for help leading worship. They thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be great to serve God by leading worship.” I seriously doubt that any of these folks said to themselves one Sunday morning, “You know, I haven’t been ridiculed enough about my voice/ability to play guitar/etc. I think I’ll sign up for some voluntary ridicule.” No fucking way.
For a minute I almost tested those waters again. I almost said, hey, I can play guitar and sing and would be willing to…but I knew deep down what would happen. Now what, though? Folks have broken hearts becase their worship isn’t good enough. Shroud it in daisies all you fucking like, but that’s what the message is. “You’re not good enough to worship with us.” I don’t care if that’s not what you said, or not what you meant, oh great worship leader, that’s what they heard.
But these aren’t God’s words! God pleads with me and these other folks, “Don’t fucking listen to that asshole! He’s being a dickhead. I love the sound of your worship, his ears are not my ears–he hears your vocal chords, I hear your soul. Fuckin’ “a”, Brandon, if you stop letting your soul sing out, who the hell do I have to listen to? Jackass up there with the overpriced taylor guitar, with his eyes closed just enough to look closed but open enough to make sure that all eyes in the audience are trained directly on him? I don’t like the sound of his soul…I mean, sometimes it’s okay, but you and your friends Brandon, your souls sing a beautiful tune.” Those are my God’s words, or at least the way I imagine them. (By the way for all you scripture nazis, that was a paraphrase of scripture…not a translation.)
This, though, is where I am. I’ve been raised in the Church, I’ve learned to love the Church and worship. And now I’ve learned to hate both. When did the Church stop pursuing Christ? Why is it dead? The church, dead? Surely hyperbole this, Brandon? Perhaps. But perhaps it’s less hyperbole that we’d all love to believe. At any rate, I never thought I’d come to this point. I never believed that I could be in a place to leave the organized Church in its traditional expression.
I now know what it feels like to be in that place, to really be ready to stride out those doors for the last time. I know what it feels like because I’m there. Now my question is this: “What’s a transformational optimist to do?”
I don’t know if I’ll be in the pew tomorrow, I’d love to want to and I really want to love to go. Tonight, however, I do not. I’ll keep you posted (as is standard) to my progress.
Try going every week for a month and express interest in participating in that community of believers. Meet with the pastor and see if there is room for you to serve in their community based on the gifts you perceive in yourself and your wife. I think we would all be surprised at how many like minded people live within a few blocks of us who if united together could really impact on a relational basis the neighborhood, city and county we live in. It would save the government a lot of wasted money and effort…and be the most effective in my opinion in fulfilling the great commission.
Just Pat said,
September 18, 2004 at 11:45 pm
I apologize in advance for this personal reply to your post.
You, my friend, do not have a corner on injustice in the Church. No. You have your own perspective, but you are one of many persons. You have heard the worst, and undoubtedly have had to keep silent. You know what I’m talking about.
I affirm your blurt. Now for the cliche: how did you hear this? Was it from a credible source? Do you plan to speak with your worship “helper?” And, more importantly, will you walk away from community over this issue, in the midst of a dispose-all culture? Or, will you be different?
Okay, yeah, it’s really about me and my need to read your Sunday update every week.
Paul (lull) said,
September 19, 2004 at 3:47 am
I am involved with worship at our church (drums). I think that is one the biggest “control” points for churches today. There churches that have incredible worship teams (musicians, leaders, singers, etc); often time paid positions. Our previous leader had a habit it of “filming” the “contemporary service” (of which he disliked) to pick apart their play (often time, since he was in charge of the music they’d be playing, he’s change the songs the day before, film their flawed before, make them watch it as he commented on their poor play. He’s gone now. Our current band of merry elves is trying to make it work; but there is pressure from all angles (we’re too loud, not loud enough, we moved around too much, this song is theologically inaccurate, etc).
Unfortunately being a church (small “c” for the place and people, not the “C” Church, which is the body of Christ) means all the same issues of life - miscommunication, dysfunction, control, etc. Not all churches are dead; but finding the “right” church is difficult (finding one that has all the elements).
The best we can do; those who want healthy, honest, immersive, truthful worship; is to be advocates - outspoken and tempered (not flying off the handle) about why we think things should be different … I just rambled on there … good thoughts Brandon
Visiting Atheist said,
September 19, 2004 at 1:18 pm
In defense of your paraphrase, it’s been a few years since I studied NT Greek, but I seem to remember a direct reference to Taylor guitars in Codex Fabricatus.
Seriously though, it’s often occurred to me that in general there’s no necessary connection between what people believe and what their values are; those who deliberately try to forge some consistency between the two seem to be the exception rather than the rule. Most people are too busy with other things, like trying to make a living or papering over their insecurities. Heck, some people have heard so often that they’re living the best life possible that they actually believe it; they don’t realize there’s more to be said and done than patting each other on the back. (Church experiences come immediately to mind, but in the public sector there are terminally shallow expressions of patriotism that I think also illustrate this point. It’s a human thing, not a religious thing.)
Of course, all this spells frustration for those who do try to live be consistent. I would tell you that I’ve been there, but that would falsely imply that I’ve left.
Brandon said,
September 19, 2004 at 1:49 pm
Just Pat, I’ve been thinking about your comment. I’ll say this. You’re exactly right. I don’t have a corner on injustice in the church…that’s the problem. It’s not just my heart that gets hurt by stuff like this others are in EXACTLY the same boat.
Credible source? Yes, two of them.
Just Pat said,
September 19, 2004 at 9:14 pm
Good, Brandon. Not meaning to criticise; just doing my best to be the Church to you.
Jammin' Jamilla said,
September 23, 2006 at 12:40 am
Wow! I agree with you and trust me, I feel your pain. Personally, I enjoy
the praise of the hearts that are willing, it is more authentic, more real.
I think your worship leader should be more exhorting. You have a talent,
a gift from God, and the church is a place where its members should be edified. Unfortunately, sometimes even our appointed leaders get caught up in political church bureaucracy and they offend a lot of people.
Now, does God help us step up our game? I ask for this EVERY DAY, and I hear a small voice saying things that I don’t understand, because it seems to not go with my question. For example, even now, I’m being told to “trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding and He will direct my path” It might help you to know that I am a percussionist for our church, and the only musician that is not getting paid. I have been asking for 2 years now - I’m still waiting.
God desires our worship, we were created to worship him. Don’t let anyone
or anything stop you from worhipping Him. That’s my motivation, I LOVE TO WORSHIP!!! I believe that you do too, that’s why you stepped up to the plate when you heard the call.
Finally, remember that we wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with powers and principalities. Satan’s job is to divide and conquer, It’s our job to refuse him the victory. I urge you to hang in there!!
Jammin Jamilla
UR4given said,
September 25, 2006 at 11:09 am
Brandon…your situation is experienced by thousands of people every week throughout church institutions, corporate america, and political dens of power hungry individuals. Society is just made up of egocentric, power hungry people without an ounce of sensitivity or real caring in their being. Unfortunately, most of us have found out the hard way that the church (little c) is made up of the same people who act the same in secular organizations. Why are we surprised?
So, I hesitantly make a suggestion that maybe someday I will have the time, willing to take the risk, and have the desire to try for sake of being a “tranformational optimist”. I suggest going to the closest church to your home…or lets say the closest “non-denominational Christian church” for the sake of not having to deal with national or international denominational pettiness and process. Just think of the gas and time savings you will experience as a good steward of what God has given you time and money wise…plus saving on fossil fuels.
Try going every week for a month and express interest in participating in that community of believers. Meet with the pastor and see if there is room for you to serve in their community based on the gifts you perceive in yourself and your wife. I think we would all be surprised at how many like minded people live within a few blocks of us who if united together could really impact on a relational basis the neighborhood, city and county we live in. It would save the government a lot of wasted money and effort…and be the most effective in my opinion in fulfilling the great commission.
What I have grown to abhor about the contemporary church is its focus on entertainment value and personality popularity contests…whether it be the Pastor, music director, or children’s outreach coordinator. Todays american christian church in general appears to be a bunch of selfish, needy-weeney Christians who have never grown up to be secure in themselves or their own faith…who are not strong enough to “reach out and touch” or standup to injustice…as in this case…power monger church leaders.
If I ever get involved in the church again…this will be my premise. Not what the church can do for me…but what I can do for the church. And yes…a local community church of various types of needy people that I can serve and be served by. This is more what I believe Christ wanted the church to be all about versus mega church building campaigns, Tele evangelism, and religious “big business” taking advantage of non-profit status and the feeding frenzy of “prosperity doctrines”.
And while we’re at it…why not envision saving all those mega missionary dollars sending unqualified “missionaries” to other cultures and countries to “evangelize” them into american style christianity so they can act look and sing just like us. Instead, lets put those dollars to work in helping the poor and “healing the sick” right here in our own community.
Hows that for “transformational optomist”?